2012

 

I don't know about everyone else but The NEW YEAR always seems refreshing to me. I'm really excited to accomplish some goals & be a better person. As for 2012 it was a lot better than 2011. Wow that year was a year in history that better NEVER repeat itself. Here is a little of what happened in 2012 at our house!!!!
In March we went to California with the kiddos. It was a blast but Next Vacation, we are leaving them home.

 Awe I love this picture!!!!!

 Zach lost 4 teeth in a 2 week period. This picture doesn't even show his other one. Im super happy about how straight his permanant teeth are coming in. Its always so awkward for kids to sport crooked teeth for 5 years. Im hoping he doesn't have too!!!!

 

We moved into our first house as a couple. We are loving it so far, but we would like to buy in 2013. 13 usually isnt a very lucky number so I'm hoping that doesn't transfer over to the entire YEAR.

He played Baseball, Soccer & Basketball in 2012. He did very well at all 3.

 

I started a new job working at the U Hospital, and love it so far!!! Im about to switch to Graveyards so we will see how that will go!

 

 His Dad & Step Mom had a baby boy!! Benjamin. He's so cute & Zach is a good big brother to him & his half sister Victoria. :) I love seeing him with them.

 And Zach & Zoey are still very weird.... Hah. Happy New Years.

Where am I?

I'm going to write about something that's very dear to my heart. I want to write because usually getting it out makes me feel better. I'm hoping I wont have people judging my negatively because of anything that is said in this because quite frankly I have enough negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis & a positive attitude will only go "so FAR".........Ok, that being said.......
      I hate how my own son, my own flesh & blood draws pictures of his family for school assignments and its NEVER ME. Its always HIS DADDY his OTHER MOM, HIS LITTLE SISTER & LITTLE BROTHER. Now I get that they are more a "family" to him than I am. They are the ones who sign him up for his sporting events, take him to and from school & enforce discipline. I really think he believes in his little brain that coming to my house is like a "vacation" almost from all the crap he has to do over there. Well here's the thing. I CAN'T take him to and from school because of work (whereas I am grateful that I have people that care about him, that can. It doesn't make it any easier on ME) I don't sign him up for sporting events because I get very minimal Child Support & I cannot afford it. (I'm GRATEFUL his DAD pays for this.........but.......its not ME) I don't go to Church anyways so I don't enforce those rules and guidelines on HIM.........& as far as chores go & homework......Yes I am alot more lax than they are. Which is fine. He does chores on Saturdays not EVERYDAY while here & he does his homework at night not RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. I feel I do the same things as they do just differently but it comes off to him as less. I really deserve the MOM spot in my child's life. I'm sick to death of him calling his step mom "MOM" and her actually thinking she is his MOM. Because there has been no line there, he doesn't understand why I am constantly saddened by his pictures. IF he does draw me he doesn't include Joel because to him "Joel isn't his Dad" well then why is "Trisha his Mom?"
    Now Zach isn't stupid. Hes actually very smart. Which is another reason this hurts me so much because he KNOWS I am his MOTHER. and still doesn't INCLUDE ME. I really hope I am not being petty about this because I realize I am the reason he is in this situation in the first place and It requires alot of Understanding on every ones part. I get it.
   The pain goes even deeper when you add my step daughter because obviously I am Brooke to her. Which is fine, I am NOT her Mom and would never cross the lines Zach's step mother has crossed but its very hard for me to be her "Friend" because I am not her friend. Yet I can't really "parent her". I am lost in that whole situation, and Its probably my fault but that doesn't change how frustrating and hard it is on me personally. Anyhow, anytime she draws a picture she draws it of her DAD and MOM and sometimes Zach. I am nowhere. I mean what am I busting my ass trying to set standards and hold the kids to a form of decency when I am nobody to either of them???????
    I really am beside myself at what I should do because I am doing the best I possibly can.  When Zach was a baby and his early years between 1 and 5yrs old, I worked graveyards so he would never be babysat. I AM THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED and RAISED him during those years & for what? In all honesty I shoulda just had him in a daycare, he doesn't view me for what he should and I feel disrespected by both of my Kids....  Its not like I want to be put on a pedestal for being a parent because that is just stupid. But I would like to feel included.
    I want more kids in my life and I partly think its because I am not being fulfilled in my life by what I already have. I'm wanting to be MOM. Ive been a Mother for almost 8 years now & I shouldn't feel like shit for what I have been through and done. But I do. Not that it would change or I would have changed anything had someone told me this when I got divorced because that was a very selfish time for me. I told myself and everyone else that Zach was fine & kids are resilient. Which both things are true- He is fine & he has been resilient but I guess what I didn't realize is that I am NOT.
    I have been upset while writing this & Zach just came in and saw that I was and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He did ask what was wrong, but I am not going to put this on him. He is just a 7 yr old and I have explained multiple times that it hurts m feelings. He went to go "make me a Christmas Ornament, to make me feel better"  Honestly none of this is his fault, obviously.
  I just need to find my own peace with it & am not sure how or if I ever will.

Thanks for Reading.

boycotting Walmart.

Lets start at the beginning.
Its not really Walmart Per say, its more so their Photo Department that I have  a beef with......
I got my Thank you Cards for our wedding printed there ONLINE. At first they weren't done when they said they were going to be. Then They looked like CRAP!!!!!!! I paid for them to be printed then re did them at Inkleys (who is now out of business FML) so essentially had to pay for them TWICE because the quality was so bad I didn't even want to send them out.
Last month I went there to have my moms pictures printed. I put in my order. There is a sign that says their is a glitch in the system and to check to see that they received your order. I wait for 13 minutes... I ask. For some reason she thinks the name I told her to check "Brooke Landsaw" is "Rook lansel" She didn't have an order for a Mrs Lansel. NO KIDDING!  But I thought she didn't have my order........
 Then I realize I want to change this order so I ask her how to do this. She says she can't change the order. Nor can she cancel it so I can resubmit it. So she wanted me to re order what I wanted changed and have 2 orders then she would just adjust the price after she wasted all that paper.Wait...what???  I was super worried Id have to pay for all of them. And when I picked them up the guy who helped me was irritated because of all the extra photos I "didn't want"........
Now my biggest annoyance with their department and the reason for this rant is this time:

The other day I went there to have my Christmas Cards printed. I waited around at the freakin store for 1 1/2 hours wandering because I wanted to NOT GO BACK. When I finally pick up my cards I am asked if I have rights for the photo I used. Obviously I do. She says it looks professional ( OK mind you.....its the same attendant that I wanted to punch in the face from the previous time) I told her Thank you. She said I cannot take the cards out of the store until I can prove that I own the rights to that photo. OK Let me get this straight.........SHE ALREADY PRINTED THEM....... I ask how I will prove it. She said I needed a signed form showing the Photographer gave the rights to me...Or the disc she gave them to me on. OK for 1) She gave them to me on a COSTCO disc...and for 2) I never got a written anything from her signing them over. It was more of a verbal thing. Plus it was a friend of a friend that did them. I filled out a form stating I had the rights & put her name on it as the photographer. Apparently I don't need her name on this form at ALL because I own the rights? So I had to fill out another form. After all this Ive been at Walmart for almost 2 hours. FML!!!! I leave & before leaving she informs me that I better not be misrepresenting because the fine for Copyright Laws is $20,000 & I will be charged that whole fee. Yes Thank you. I DIDN'T COPYRIGHT anything though!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I am up paying for the rest of my stuff I hear her paging me over the intercom to come back to the photo dept. HELL NO I'm not going back there I wanted to get the F out of the store. Then they called me on my cell phone & left a message saying that "FOR SOME REASON" all of my cards weren't in my order and 20 are still in the photo lab. WTF x's 987324987!!!!!!!!!!! So much for NOT GOING BACK. UGH. I am so irritated at Walmart and their employee.
Going to go back today!! ARGH. its taken me all weekend to prepare for it.

Thats my Boy!!!!

So I realize I am bias, not only because he is my son. But also my ONLY child. But he is seriously the BEST!!! He's so funny & witty, not to mention handsome. I went on a date tonight with him- just him and I. And I can honestly say I love hanging out with him & conversing with this boy.
    He knows I work at the U sterilizing surgical equipment so he started asking questions about blood. I had a full conversation with him (my 7 yr old) about what plasma is & how it helps people and why you can donate plasma more than you can donate blood. I explained that every ones blood type is different. But that he has the same as me, and I have the same as Grandma. But Grandpa is a universal donor etc...

Zach: So if all me, you & grandma were in a car accident and needed blood Grandpa could help us.
Me: Yes! But he probably couldn't help all of us, because one person can't give that much blood at one time.
Zach: Well....Then he should help you first
Me: I don't know. Why do you say that?
Zach: Because then you can get better & take care of me. He is OK so he can take care of Grandma til he can donate more blood for her & once you are better you can donate blood to me.

I am blown away that he thought of all of this in this short convo. He is amazingly smart to put all of that together!

Earlier convo:

Me: How is that cute lil bro of yours doing? I want to hold him.
Zach: Yeah he is doing good. He's pretty nice & hes a good listener too.
(Baby Bro....less than 2 months old..........)
Me: What do you mean he's a good listener? (laughing)
Zach: Because earlier today he was hanging out on the floor on a blanket & I went over to him and said "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle..yeah" & he wiggled then I said "Giggle giggle giggle giggle...yeah" (if you are not getting this, its from the song "I'm sexy & I know it" lmao!!!!) & then he laughed too. Then he got that look on his face like he was going to start crying & I counted down from 5 and he waited til I hit 1 to cry" 
Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard when he was telling me this story. I'm still laughing about baby brother "hanging out on the floor" he's 7 weeks old. That's pretty much ALL they do is "hang out".....oh my. Hilarious.

Just now:
Me: Sweets. I need to go to bed. I am tired from getting up so early everyday (5am)
Zach: Well, that's life.
Me: Yea (laughing) that doesn't make it suck any less.
Zach: No. No it doesn't. Life can really suck.

Again......Laughing. So. Hard.
Aw. his wisdom!!!! This is all from the past 5 hours. I seriously love that kid! He's awesome without trying!!!
I know he is only with me half of the time but I can't imagine my life without him anymore, I'm sure that's how all parents are. But sometimes doing things with him there I just realize how normal it is that I have a tiny human. I mean, ME. I have this great person in my life. That I created. I'm just really grateful for him & all he is & has done for me.

THAT'S MY BOY!!!!

Pic FAIL!

So the family pictures that I wanted to lose weight for have came and gone. I did lose 20lbs then I think gained some back before the pics....UGH. Lets just say that I bombed these photos. And also that I am mad at my body. I am about to have a blog overshare so if you do not want to know anything about me please stop reading now. I think my hormones are completely off balance. I dont know where to go to have them checked, if anybody knows of a place or a Dr. Please let me know. There are multiple things about my life right now which would lead me to believe my hormones are playing hide and seek with me. Losing weight being one of them. I always say if I had 3 wishes I wouldn't even wish for a different body. I'd want my body just unable to gain weight past a certain number. YES! I want the number. I dont even care if the scale is broken, I know its broken & shows 15lbs less than I really am- and I know this. I want to see the NUMBER!!!!! Now I realize what I just said was completly oxy moronish because by wantin the number and then knowing its wrong, how is that good? It just is ok. Don't ask questions about my rationalle. Now lets take a gander at my fat ass....ahem, I mean photos.

FAIL.

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I will not subject myself to any more torture. OMG I am humiliated. HATE HATE HATE!!!!! Why does it have to be so hard? Eff this!!!

Now I will show some other pics that I did like (that I was able to disguise my fatness in!)

Yes I am aware anyone would look fat next to HER!!! I am the short fat one in my family. It sucks, but I am 30 now and only caddy about it on my blog. ;)

I DO LOVE MY FAMILY!!!

And aren't my kids Beautiful???????

This is so HANDSOME of Zach. LOVE!!!!

And so PRETTY of Zoey!!

 

Guess I will continue to work on myself. ARGH!!!! :)

 

 

Annoyed yet??

My Day of Annoyance. Seriously. Everything that happened on this day was seriously annoying.

   For starters I woke up to knock my phone off the night stand. It didn't JUST fall on the floor. And you can bet it was still ON when this happened. It decided to land halfway under my bed. I had to long arm it to even reach it. This was 5AM. I need to be up by 5:20 so I thought....its fine, I still have 20min to sleep. <-------wrong .="." class="goog-spellcheck-word" g-spell-original="kities" my="my" span="span">kitties
decided it was the perfect time to wrestle each other & that the perfect place for this was OUTSIDE OUR DOOR. Ugh!!!!!!!! Then baby Soco decided she would scratch at the door. OK i am up, 5:08.I forgot to put water in my Coffee maker, So i was wondering why the timer I had set the night before didn't work. yes this is my fault. but nonetheless ANNOYING. If i wouldn't have put the grinds in the maker before this day It would have been the time I knocked the spoon on the side of the canister and spilled grinds all over. This has happened more often than i'd like to admit. Just Sayin!!!!!!!
   Anyways so Im out of the house by 5:45am and as Im driving out of my street this douche on his morning bike ride wearing all black flipped me off when I almost hit him. DUDE...You look like a sniper in the night. I really almost plowed him because at 5:45 in the am I tend to think traffic laws don't apply to me. Whatever! He should wear white or something that has a reflector on it. or get a bike light.
I get on the Trax and Im not sure if any of ya'll follow me on twitter but im having a severe annoyance to people speaking other languages around me. Its seriously like someone is poking me in the arm. Why do they have to talk so loud? anyway- The chinese tourist convention must have been in town this day because they all sat and laughed and talked loudly about lord knows what. Worse than a morning show on the radio. I will kill morning shows. Oh yea, and my Ipod was DEAD. FML.
        I get to work and im informed i left a piece of someones BONE in one of my Neuro sets. I think this is a common mistake to be honest with you because this set needs to be double checked everytime it is built (for those that don't know I am in Surgical Processing at the University Hospital) Ok so I didn't see it.
After work I like to get the 3:28pm Trax train because the trains wait for 20min at the University when they arrive so by missing it I get home a whole half hour later. SO I MISS THE TRAIN!!! WTF.
I am waiting very impatiently for Pumpkin Coffee creamer to hit the stores. I was told Reams has it. So I decide to go there......Backtrack a bit.......Zach is acting like a 4yr old baby and crying because "he doesn't want to go to the store ..Blah blah yadda......" (he seriously was CRYING over it! Omg....UGH). I drag his ornery butt to the store hoping to find my creamer. Well they didn't have it. I also needed kitty food so I go get some. The brand my cats are on is $9 for a smaller bag than I usually get for $10........I didn't want to take ornery butt to another store nor drive there. So I paid for it. Now for the sake of annoyance they had one of those dancing Halloween skeletons right by the register singing and dancing in a top hat. They have that, but no pumpkin creamer????? THIS IS A GROCERY STORE and Halloween is all about PUMPKINS. GET YO PRIORITIES IN ORDER. yeah, they had Pumpkin Beer too.
 The kids are playing outside and this bigger kid comes over to play. Zachs step mom comes by to chat because she saw us outside. This boy tells Trisha that he stole one of Zachs toys out of their yard earlier. WTF? Whos freakin kid is this and get him out of my yard. LOL!
Seriously good thing it is Friday!

 oh, its THURSDAY!!!!! 
Luckily now it is the weekend. :o) Rant Over.

Fedora=Hitler?

So Joel and I just signed a lease on a house to rent for the next year. This is amazing because it will be my first time living in a house since Zach was born. Hah, 7 years ago!! (I did rent a basement apartment. but I would like to emphasize on the word APARTMENT in this scenario!!!!) So, there are a lot of great things about this house. It has 4 bedrooms and a den/playroom. We will have one extra room. It also has a separate room for Laundry which is amazing because my previous apartment had the washer/dryer in a closet and it was not OK! The house is in West Jordan in my X husbands (Zach's other house!!!!!!) neighborhood. IT is why I found it. Its like 4 houses down LOL!!! Which is amazing for Zach, and doesn't change much for Zoey because Joels work is right by her school so he is already going that direction when she is with us! It doesn't have a carport or covered parking which does suck and the other thing that isn't amazing about this house is...... the other day when I was dropping Zach off at his Dads (which again...Same neighborhood we are moving too........) I was in a swimsuit cover and my Fedora. This one.



The guy next door was out mowing his lawn and got way pissed off about my hat. He started yelling "HEY CHIKEE. IF YOU WANT A STRAW. ILL SHOW YOU A REAL STRAW." I was like wtf.....then he was carrying on "WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE ME ALL OF A SUDDEN. CAN'T SAY HI ANYMORE?" (I have never spoken to this person..........EVER) I thought he may have mistaken me for Trisha, Jake's wife. (which don't get me started here because she is  8 1/2 mo pregnant.. LOL) So I said "I'm Brooke" He got even more mad "YEAH I KNOW ZACH'S MOM" went inside. Then I'm talking to Jake for a second and he comes back outside "HEYYYYY (in his cowboy hat) THIS IS A REAL STRAW. DON'T BE WEARING THAT AROUND HERE. (spikes his baseball hat into Jake's yard over the fence) YOU DISRESPECT 9-11." I was sick of him by this time so replied "THIS IS A FEDORA. ITS NOT A COWBOY HAT OR ANYTHING ELSE. IT DOESN'T MATTER" he flew off the handle and said all sorts of weird crap about 9-11 and how I am like Hitler. Uggghhh. Jake told me to just leave and he would go talk to him. Apparently my Hat reminded him of Hitler and he lost it? IDK!!! But Sorry Mr. Lots of people in that decade wore hats shaped like this. It was the TIME not the person. WTF!!!! Jake said hes never seen him act like that before and Joel wanted to go "speak" with him. ha ha ha! Hopefully he doesn't see me doing yard work and come over and start something. LOL
Anyways Cheers to our new house!!!!

MIND over MATTER!

So I looked it up: The term does not relate to the belief that the mind is more powerful than the body. Specifically, mind over matter refers to controlling pain that one may or may not be experiencing but that through the power of concentration and "positive thinking", people can walk on hot coals without getting burned.
UM WHAT???? Walking on HOT coals will burn you. Even if I am saying "I think I can't, I think I can't" I would blister like a Mo-Fo. Then probably be told my mind isnt strong enough? WTF!!!!
    So Im trying to diet as my previous post a bit ago implied and I am having a hell of a time. AND it is for a stupid reason. I JUST WANT A DAMN COFFEE. :o)

Now I really am not this person. I LOVE Coffee and it helps me Relax a bit, but I go days and days without it a lot and don't care. Why do I care right now? Because I can't have it. I keep telling myself Mind over Matter Brooke. UM Now to add insult to injury I find out thats not what Mind over Matter even means!!!!!!! Oy VEI.

See?! What a Day!!!!!!

:::::::Child Support::::::

Child Support. It AINT right.




I am sick to death of WOMEN. That I am one. But I like to think Im one of the better ones. Dear Women, Stop parading around with signs about the Womens Rights Movement making sure EVERYONE and their damn dog know that you "can" do everything a man can do. Then turn around and try to squeeze blood out of a turnip aka getting every cent humanly possible from baby daddy. You are an OXY MORON.. Women are idiots. I am 1/2 the time embarrased to be associated in this catagory. (Yes, I do stupid shit all the time. I admit it and move on.) WHY do some women think everything is owed to them? Sorry but you are not entitled to more money paid to you because you couldn't make your relationship work or because you screwed it up just because you have a child. They think they shouldnt have to pay for this or for that because it is for their kid so its the Dads responsibility. Wait? What? What did I just say? EXACTLY!!!! Oh, But its written in the Divorce Decree that you have to pay for this and for that and I will also bitch at you for not paying for other things. Who the hell follows some wording that was written X amount of years prior? maybe take care of your KID. THEY CAME OUT OF YOUR BODY!!!!!!!!!! Oh. they do it because its conveninent for them and to the hell with anyone else. Im so sick of selfish people. Let me break this down for you a little clearer. Divorced Dads give X amount of money to Childs mother for CHILD SUPPORT. It is to Support the Child incase there is some confusion here. Then Father has to also further Support their child while the child is spending time with THEM (aka: buy clothes for them (that they already kind of did by giving the mother money), food, activities (which were also paid for while at mothers house), medical ins etc) So fathers are double paying for their kid. Right? Yeah, thats definantly okay. Its the LAW right? I get the law originated because Women couldn't make as much money as Men and they needed help to support the kid. Well sorry, but this is no longer the case. If the women works and makes as much as the man. I dont care if they are a woman....and that they had a kid come out of their body. Child Support should be Null and Void. Each parent should be able to Support the child individually for their Child. AND if something is going on...Like medical bills or Day care, what not... SPLIT IT. It doesn't seem like rocket science to me. SO OVER THIS!!!!!!! More times than not Women are getting away with murder by using the money they are getting to get tattoos. Buy big Tv's. Redecorate their house, buy the latest phone, they deserve it, though, right?. Sorry but EFF THIS. Women should have to supply reciepts of the money they get to show how it went towards the child. <----I FULLY believe this statement.



Ok Now I am obviously a woman, and divorced. I do get child support. And sometimes I have needed to use this money towards Rent, and towards groceries. That is my decision because it is my money? Right? I full on think this money should not go towards rent. It is for MY SON, It should go into an account for HIM or go towards things he needs. The amount of money I get every month is far more than it costs to support him monthly. That being said I recieve $90 a month from Zachs Dad. Should it be more? Maybe. But I only think this way because of Society. $90 is more than enough to get him clothes and he isn't an infant so he eats what food we have in the house. If he were to join a league it would generally cost about $65 at his age. Oh, I have money left over. SO last time I checked. I am not signing Z up for a league every month. Or buying him $90 of clothes per month. I AM USING THIS MONEY TO LIVE. Wrong? YES. His school lunch money could be paid by ME fully with this $90 but his Dad and I split this cost.. So I PAY HALF AND SO DOES HE. (as I was saying earlier. Not Rocket Science!) My plan is to put this $90 in an acct for him as soon as I do not need this money to make rent. ZACH DESERVES THIS MONEY TO BE SAVED. IT IS FOR HIM!!!!! and I am going to do my best to save it for him because it totally irritates me needing to use it for ME, when it is not MINE. Now a selfish woman would argue that using this money for rent is giving the child a home. LOL!!!!!!! Don't even get me started here.



Now just to touch on this subject lightly, I only think this should apply to Dads who are in their kids lives and see them regularly. If they decide to jump state- by all means open a case and get their checks garnished because YOU are doing ALL the work, in these circumstances. Do right by the child though, and get them adopted by someone who does want to be in their life. <---Dont just keep getting Money from the biological Dad. Thats also on YOU and goes back to the original blog. Grow the $h!t up!!!!

My Big Break

Now normally I would be refering to the time I drank an entire bottle of wine and decided to eat it into a coffee table breaking 2 bones in my hand. That was my former biggest break. This time I am refering to a JOB!!! I am so happy that I finally got this. Now when I say I am due for this it is an understatement to the Nth degree. I got laid off (fired) from ARUP in FEB 2011 after working there for almost 5years and this happened 6mo before I fully vested in my retirement (REALLY? WTF!!!!) Since this time I have applied for at least 10 jobs a week and that includes while I was working at Highmark, Fulcrum, Davids Bridal & Sutter (where I am working now) I am sick to death of applying for work! SICK. The new job is at the University of Utah Hospital as a Surgical Technician. I am beyond excited and HAPPY. I feel I can finally move on with my life. I know that sounds dramatic but this is ME we are talking about here. I hate Mon thru Fri 9-5. It is something that will never work for me. I can't get anything done. 9 to 5 is the absolute worst shift I have ever worked besides the one I work now that is 10-7. I despise not having weekdays off work, and with family. I am sorry but it just doesn't work if you're at work all the time. The new job will be 4 tens swing shift or a night position. Swing shift would be mostly awesome but I actually really like graves. I like them for the following reasons: I never miss anything. I just go to it tired. I have all day everyday to schedule appointments and I can also volunteer in Zachie's class (because lets be honest his Step mom does this in his class and i don't--because I have to work, and this thorn in my side is leaving permanant scaring!!!) I also super despise desk jobs. I hate them! If I could punch a job in the face it would be any job that I am sitting all day. Ive actually gotten in a fight w my husband about this because he tried to convince me that desk jobs were awesome. I almost punched HIM in the face. My new job I will get a raise, not have to do my hair because I will be wearing a cover and I get to go into the OR sometimes. Yes I do like to get ready for work but it is kind of a hassle sometimes trying to figure out what to wear. Thats what I loved about working in a lab previously. At that time I thought "this sucks. I wish I could get ready for work and wear heels" UM I will never say that again. NEVER.
Also let me just ballpark how many jobs I have applied for at IHC hopsital & the U combined since feb 2011.....OVER 100. I heard a statistic that when looking for a job you get 1 interview out of 60 applications submitted in this economy. I felt this was very true for me, and not true for anyone else looking for work. OMG! I struggled so bad with this. NOW IT IS OVER!
Lil miss can breath easy and it is time for a Celebration/Toast. WOO HOO!!!!!

DIE

Whoops! I forgot the T in my title. But thats pretty much how it feels anyways. UGH! I hate Dieting. H.A.T.E! I tend to put myself on 3 diets per year for about a month length of time each time to maintain my weight. So I spend 1/4 of my year dieting. FML! Now this is not the most efficient way of maintaining a weight. Why don't I just eat healthy all the time? HAH!!! Truth is, I really am not that unhealthy of an eater.My metabolism is as good as an infant child is at vocabulary. The following are diets I have tried.

*The South Beach

*Atkins

*HCG (aka hot call girl)

*Dukan (aka Dukan't)

*The GM Diet

I would actually say diets are not that hard for me. Once I decide to do it, I just eat what I can (other than wine and cocktails, because I am not going to forfeit everything LOL)  I think the biggest misconception with dieting is cheating on your diet. Sometimes agitation takes over and it would be better for you to "cheat" than it would be to not. Its your sanity. BUT here is where it backfires. Once you cheat, you cheat all day because "YOU ALREADY CHEATED" so instead of having ate one thing that is bad. You end up eating 89374 things that are bad and feel way worse about yourself LOL! Dieting also sucks because depending on what "diet" you are on cheating affects you differently because you are on different food restrictions. For Example the diet I started today (Dukan) is a high protein diet. So eating fruit is totally cheating, and fruit isn't bad for you. So I eat an apple- thats just as bad on this diet as eating chocolate. You are not suppose to go there. To prepare myself for this diet last night, I consumed an entire bag of fresh cherries. Seriously. I ate the whole bag!

Now what are the reasons for going on a diet?

The new year (hahahaha) because your favorite pants don't fit right, because of an event coming up that you want to look hot for, because you are gluten for punishment.  Ok, The following 3 are applying to me right now. My pants dont fit and I would like to buy some shorts. Seeing as how I dont own any. I always wear dresses and skirts. esp in the summer! But I hate that my pants don't fit and my lovely husband just dried my skinny jeans in the dryer. OMG!!! Now they shrunk and make me look anything but skinny. Event is this: Family pictures. As if thats not explanatory enough: The last and most recent family picture was when I was a JR in HIGH SCHOOL. Yep thats right, no family pics with my parents/x husband/ or my son are around. Im getting pictures for my Mom for her Bday in Nov that will most likely be taken in Sept Which gives me about 6 weeks to slim down for this shot. If this trend continues the next family picture that will be taken will be when I am 45!!!!! I MUST ROCK THIS ONE!!!  And yes, I enjoy punishing myself. Not really, But I do like the results.

I also have thought this before. That I wish I would get so super sick that I would basically die. then when I didn't i'd be skinny. How awful to think. But Im sick of my weight being something constantly on my mind. People joke "Meth. Best diet ever" "Chemo, Best diet ever" "Parasite. Best diet ever" "Dukan. Best diet ever." Ok said no one ever, about the Dukan. But........

Here is to diet dos. (2nd one of the year) CHEERS!!!!!

THE FLOW!

Do you ever find yourself picking apart song lyrics and feeling like the song was written about YOU. I do this ALL. THE. TIME. Those that know me know I am a huge R&B girl. (When I first wrote that I left out R&B. Serious. It said Those that know me know I am a huge girl. LOL!!! Well... That is neither here nor there......) Anyways!!! I love LOVE SONGS! But I dont know that I would classify myself as a hopeless Romantic I am a hopeless Realist. I truly think people can be Happy in whatever situation even if its not the greatest. But I am very Cynical and Sarcastic in personality. Basically I am a trouble maker, and all songs are about Me. Now that we've got that straight I want to pick apart this Boys II Men song and why it is about ME and JOEL! ( I have seen these Boyz in Concert TWICE, and oh my! They are amazing and fun!)
The song is FLOW and it is one of the new songs from Boyz II Men. The Album came out OCT 2011. I Love 90's R&B and that is their roots~ Ok so on with the song!!!!!!
The lyrics are on the video incase you can't understand my language. Errr, I mean their singing!

Peeps who follow my blog or read it. Thanks for reading it because I have been to hell and back this past year! Seriously the devil isn't a man or woman. It is found in EVERYTHING! It is a THING. And I am glad to say that I am out of my funk and my Relationship with ma man is back where it should have stayed! Im sure you all were reading all these posts about me and divorce and fights and drama. I use writting as a form of venting and its probably not the best thing ever when it gets published on my Blog but it does help, I have a lot that didn't get published and I still wish I would have published them because it speaks volumes about me and I am sure others would relate. But, that being said this song was OUR relationship metaphorically (without the kids!) and after we let it breathe we stopped wanting to strangle each other! :)

Sugar Coating.....

Webster defines this as: cause to appear more pleasant or appealing!!! Which really? Everyone is GUILTY of doing this. Even restaurants, If you order something off the menu from a picture, it really doesn't look like that. SO DISAPPOINTING!!!!!!!!
When is it Ok to Sugar Coat? And when is it not?
"Do I look fat in this dress?" <--------OK to Sugar Coat.
"I freakin burned this chicken" <-----OK to Sugar Coat.
So why can't anyone handle the truth??? I try to avoid people that are to "abrupt" for me. They bug its like they don't have a filter. Have you ever tasted Coffee without it going through a filter? I mean it is not the business!!!! This filter less person is like that cup of coffee to me.
So when does it go from Sugar Coating to straight up Lying? and is still ok if it involves a child???? The reason for this blog is because I get so annoyed with People and how they are with their kids. Seriously! Stop Sugar Coating EVERYTHING. If they SUCK they SUCK. Not to be abrupt because I just did say I hate people that are too abrupt. But seriously I have had it with this. Kid seriously is ridiculous at something, I mean not good at all. Don't blow smoke up their little bum. Point out what they ARE good at, and move on from it. These kids are all over American Idol making fools of themselves, because they think they are the Cats Pajamas. I am on a tirade! The way I was raised is exactly this way. My parents always told me I can do better, it use to bug me. Like, really? I just tried really hard to get that B and you are mad about it??? But I couldve gotten an A. That's what its about! Also, my cousins and I would be getting into all sorts of trouble and doing this and that. THEIR parents response when we got caught "My kids would never do that" MY parents response "MY kids are the ones that influenced them" This also use to bug me. It was always ME, MY FAULT. Well, Sorry for Zach I am the same way. I always think it is HIM if something is going on, and more times than not, Its NOT him. But why do parents have this veil over their eyes about their kids??? They aren't that cute. They aren't that smart. They aren't good at everything. Its not rude to be honest about this. Right? I will be the first one to tell Zach "You're not very good at that. But keep practicing" I'm not about to tell him he is amazing just because he tried. He's not. Its great on him that he tried, for sure! Not saying that, but that doesn't mean he needs to be over praised. Am I wrong?? I see this on a daily basis of parents over praising their kids. Sorry but they need to hear how it is too. I feel it is sending them down a wrong road in life, of not earned cockiness and explosive self esteem. There is a difference between being confident and cocky. I want to raise confident kids. Kids that have earned that confidence because they are good and smart. Not cocky ones that walk around thinking they are amazing (because of fake smoke blown up their ass constantly by their parents) when everyone is seeing they aren't, I mean how embarrassing. How can parents be so blind????
Convo with my Dad: "The kids should only get a trophy if they win" (about Zachie's baseball/basketball/soccer trophies) "well they are little still, and they don't keep an acurate score" D:"Well....then they definantly shouldn't be getting a trophy" .........Not that I mind that the kids get trophies. But why do they? I think he is right. It didn't use to be this way. If you got the trophy it was because you DID something to earn it. Like WIN for example.....Now everyone gets one so nobody gets butt hurt. Really Society? Way to be........
*DISCLAIMER: HAHA @myself at my posts about parenting and other peoples parents. I full on know I make mistakes and am not the perfect parent by any stretch of my own imagination or anyone else's. It is merely an opinion.

Little bit of this little bit of that......

Now I am not talking about eating a well rounded meal although that would be awesome!!!!!! I am talking about Parenting and Respect.
Its very hard for me as a Mom & PERSON to know how things are affecting my child. I want to make CHRYSTAL CLEAR that I do believe I am not doing anything WRONG, just Differently. That being said....The other night our A/C was broken so Joel and I were sitting outside BBQing. He was drinking a beer and I had a Mango Margarita. I left it inside and asked Zach to grab it for me. After this happened I thought "WTF? He shouldn't be getting my Alcoholic beverage for me right now....." Zach is being raised LDS and he attends church with his Dad and Step Mom. I was also raised LDS and a lot of the teachings that I was taught are still with me and I know its not all bad. Which is why I let Zachs Dad teach him these things. Haha I just laughed at me "letting" his dad, I 'let' him teach him as much as he 'lets' me drink. How funny that I worded it that way! Its not just up to ME... I digress, Zach brings my drink out to me and cops an attitude about "alcohol is bad" and "I shouldn't drink it" and yada yada. I am unsure of what to say in these situations because I really do not think it is wrong for me to drink casually in my life. I am not an alchoholic. Nor have I been irresponsible. But I can't tell him its not wrong because he is being taught that it is. I would never want to put my 7yr old in the middle of this debate. Anyways, so he is getting frustrated about my drink and says "MOMMM You're not listening to me" Joel said "Now you know how we feel" It was hilarious.... but I really felt for my son in that moment. Zach is a normal child but he tries with all of his little heart to do the right thing and I am sure I am confusing his pure mind.
I feel alienated by my choices in my life, I have felt that way from my parents and now I feel like my own son has lost respect for me because of the way he is being taught. I was also taught this way and am not in any way trying to disrespect the things he is learning, but its not my cup of tea and I really am not doing anything "WRONG". It must be so confusing for him to be told Dont do this or that. Its wrong, this and that, then I am over here doing everything that he is being told not to do. I hate double standards and am not tyring to raise him with one. His Dad and I try to talk to him about its ok to chose to live your life differently and luckily for me, his Dad is very understanding about life choices. And I know his Dad respects ME even though he may not respect what I am doing. Its very noble to know the difference & teach that to our son. I guess its just one of those things! Zach is just going to have to take all presented information and grow into the man he wants to be. I support him in whatever he wants to do. Well unless it is something distructive at which point i would hope NO PARENT supports those behaviors! ;)  This morning as I was making my Coffee he said "Sometimes I like the smell and sometimes I hate it" I said "Well that's how life is. Good and Bad". I wouldn't change me and I wouldn't change him for anything. I truly feel everything is how it should be!

OMU!!!!!!!!

Oh My UNORGANIZED!!!!!

What the Hell???? I hope I am not the only one who's unorganiztion/procrastination are there demise. I feel like a complete idiot! The saying if something is important to you, you make time for it- IS TRUE. Which is why I haven't made time for my CNA Certification.  I took the class Last October, and planned to be done with testing and all by November. Pretty sure, I am STILL not done. It ended up being a huge undertaking and I literally couldn't find the time to do my Clinicals, Study for the testing or do the testing. I know you are thinking CNA? WTF? How hard can it be? Thats the thing. ITS NOT HARD!!!! I just don't care. I want to do Home Health. It is something I have thought a lot about and want to do- But I don't really want to be a CNA. AT ALL!!!!! I want to do Home Health because of the flexibility with scheduling, thats IT!!! After my Clinicals I was discusted with the work. I use to want to go into nursing but after that there is no way in bloody hell I would do nursing...........It is something I need to finish though. I already took my Written test, passed it without studying. I am 1/2 way done, Plus my sweet Grandma paid all the fees for the testing while I was unemployed to help me. Now today, I was suppose to go to my Skills portion of the test. Why am I not? Well because I NEVER STUDIED. and I am suppose to have a watch with a second hand to take the pulse and my watch has a dead battery..............and because I dont care, I forgot about this until I was walking out the door today. I called into work today to get this taken care of. WTF!!!!!!!! Guess Its high time I go thrifting and take a nap until Zachs game tonight. Since I already screwed the pooch on the test I might as well make the best of my day off!!!!!!!

Have your cake and eat it too........

I have been having a lot of desire to write about a certain saying/quote. "HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO". Ok, so I am one to have thrown this saying around a lot and I happen to like it. The following are examples of having your cake and eating it too that I can think of 1.A man who is married and also has a girlfriend 2.A dude that has 2 girlfriends and picks and chooses when to see which one 3.A dad who is divorced and is “Disneyland” dad. Who gets all the glory of being a “great dad” but doesn’t really parent the damn kids. 4.A girl who has a piece of cake, and eats it. So as we can see here, the saying is for MEN!!!!!!! Recently I have become partially obsessed with the new movie “Think like a Man” I love the movie & it was a great movie to portray what happens in relationships and how “acting like a man” will get you NOWHERE without your WOMAN. AMEN!!!!!!! Now back to the saying who the hell has a piece of cake and doesn’t eat it??!!!!!

Bitter much??!

Let me just clarify this. If I am bitter I am this kind of bitter... To give a textbook definition, bitters is a distillation of aromatic herbs, barks, roots and plants, steeped in alcohol. Actually I just want some bitters now....anyways,
Not sure that anyone reads my rants and raves but here is another one. I notice that in life nothing can ever be perfect. I see the beauty in this, but at the same time I am irritated as all hell about it! I have been looking for a good Full Time job since October when I got laid off. Since Oct I have worked 2 other PT jobs and got laid off from the one, and now can't give proper notice to the other. Ive been saying for months I wanted to get off Unemployment and get a steady job. Now I got one. One that I will probably like. Well why am I not happy? I am grateful but not happy. The hours for this job are making me a bad mother. This is my worst absolute worst nightmare as a parent. NOT BEING THERE FOR MY KIDS in my case KID. I can't pick him up from school. I am going to miss the majority of his Little League games bc "I have to work" How rediculous am I? I am NOT THIS PARENT. I feel its a rock in a hard place because I have been up financial shit creek for awhile now and its not going to get any better unless I am working FT. Plus I hate the govt, I dont want Unemployment anymore. Nothing pisses me off more than filing my "weekly claim" I am serious, I wish they could hear what I was saying while I did it. I would have lost Unemployment long ago due to inapropriate behavior LOL!!!!!! I digress, But Joel and I owed taxes this year. SERIOUSLY OBAMA? ........SERIOUSLY!!!!! and it was not a small amount. We dont even own a house yet and things are not coming together. If we were a zipper our teeth would not match up. DUDE I hate broken jackets. In order to do the things that need to be done for our family, I have to sacrifice seeing Zach? WTF!!!!!!!! I do not like this. Its suppose to be good or bad.....not both at the same time. I start on Monday, I wanted a fresh start, but this doesn't feel all that fresh to me. It LITERALLY STINKS! :(

::::The Serenity Prayer::::

I am sure you all know this Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Anyway when I first heard it I thought it was Common Sense. I mean obviously you want to be OK with things in your life you can't change, and strive to be better. But the past few years have really taught me what this prayer REALLY means. I have come to a fork in the road countless times, and actually, think I chose the wrong road, not once but a lot of times. Now what should I accept, or change? and at what point can things no longer be changed? How much courage do you need to change things? Well I think a lot of courage, more than I realize. I think I lack here. It is devestating to me because I have always thought of myself as a strong person and woman & now I think i'm weak. It is very hard to admit that, especially in a public place but I think it will help me.
I also really think there is a very FINE LINE between STRONG and WEAK. Women who are abused and don't leave that life are constantly judged by society and labeled as "weak" Well I'm sorry. But are they weak?
So when we say "The courage to change the things we can," we are not talking about changing others. We are mainly talking about changing ourselves. We must set boundaries for our own peace of mind, or because "its the right thing to do" ... and, in doing so, things change. But all we can do is set the boundary and enforce it .... and that is where "courage" comes in .... because setting boundaries, Come with a risk. The risk that the other person will not honor the boundaries. In fact, they will not even ACKNOWLEDGE them. This is True in my life in a lot of areas, Let me show u a pie graph chart of my life areas.....

you can see here that I am decreasing a bit faster than increasing......LOL!!!!!!!!
I feel I am up in the night with this thought provoking, yet vaugue post. That is not only because it is 1am!!!!!! Seriously, Am I crazy?
Wisdom means: The knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action. OK, So what's really "RIGHT" vs a matter of "OPINION". Seriously I want to know. My opinion is that I AM RIGHT 92.5% of the time & that calculation is because of the radio station, and I wish it was Sunday so I can listen to Sunday Nite Slo Jams! Seriously.

Please Leave your Judgements at the Door!

Today I was invited to go eat lunch with Zachie at his School. He is the VIP this week. I could A) Bring my own lunch. Or B) Eat the schools lunch. I decided on option C) Take a Coffee and sit with my babe while he ate. So across from us is this kid dressed in a shirt thats too small for him and also flood pants and worn out shoes, hair not done. wearing a CTR ring. Zach also has a CTR ring that he sometimes wears. No problem. So this kid starts giving me the 3rd degree.
Kid: Is that Coffee? YOU drink COFFEE?
Me: YES.
Kid: Coffee is bad for you.
Me: No it isn't.
Kid: Yes it is. It has Alcohol in it
Me: No it doesn't, Not this coffee anyway (LOL)
Kid: Yes it does. its bad for you
Me: Its no worse for you than a soda. It has Caffeine in it, like a soda.
Kid: Do you smoke too??
Me: No but my husband does
Kid: Smoking is bad for you. Zach, Your dad smokes???????????
Zach: No my dad doesn't, my Step dad does.
Kid: Whats a step dad?
Zach: My parents aren't married to each other anymore. I have 2 dads and 2 moms.
Kid: Thats so weird. Do you even go to church?
Zach: Sometimes people don't go to church. But thats OK.

OK WTF!!!!!!!!!! Im sorry. PARENTS, If you have a belief that you are teaching your kids. Not to drink Coffee, Tea, Alcohol, Not have sex before marriage. FINE. TEACH YOUR KIDS THAT. NO BIG DEAL! But Please also teach them that people are not "WEIRD" or "BAD" or "DIFFERENT" for not doing what you do. I am seriously offended by this child's parents and the way they are teaching him. Everyone is different and because they choose to NOT do what YOU do, does not by any stretch of the imagination make them WRONG. It was the hardest thing Ive had to do in my life to walk away from the church. It just isn't for me. If it's for this KID and if it's for Zach more power to them but PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY CHOICES. Zach was very mature in this conversation and the convo continued after what I had posted. This child was so blatently not OK with me and starting in on Zach. Zach see's both sides of this fence on a weekly basis and I am proud to say he is well versed on both and unjudgemental. Sure he asks me about Alcohol and about Coffee and about why I don't go to church because he is being taught all of this when he goes to church with his dad. I am ok with the questions, and I know he is just trying to figure it out.
I wanted to smack this child a new one. LOL ok, actually I wanted to smack his parents!!!!!!!

6 WEEKS!!!!!

No I am not pregnant. Haha! We are going to DISNEYLAND in 6 WEEKS!!!!!! I am telling you and I am 100% serious when I say this. I AM MORE EXCITED THAN THE KIDS!!!!! Now it is not a competition between Zach's dad and I, But Zach has been to Cali twice with Jake and St George multiple times. I haven't taken him anywhere!!! Zach has never been to Disneyland though! ~OR~ on an AIRPLANE! I get 2 firsts on this vacation! It is totally weird splitting time with him, because I don't know 1/2 the people my own son knows and is associated with. I am so grateful I get this first of Zachie! To this day, he hasn't lost a tooth at my house. Jake is the only one that has played tooth fairy!
When we told the kids Zach was being a total brat (On Xmas day) He has become to think he is entitled to get all these things because he is so spoiled on Xmas. Between Jake and I and his grandparents he is one lucky boy. BUT, I wanted to strangle him this day. We told them we were going to Disneyland and Zach said "I dont want to go. I don't want to go on the rollercoaster." and burst into tears. Seriously, Zach? Since this time he still has anxiety. LOL, this is definantley my X's SON!!!!! Anyway, I know he will love it! And I WILL LOVE IT!!!!!

Sangria=Better Mom.

Yes. I did just go there.
Now I don't want to come off as a bad parent or overly suggestive. I literally am JUST SAYING.
I don't know how people "parent" that don't drink. Now I mean this in all sincerity, If you don't drink because of religious reasons I give you double kudos, and Triple kudos if your church is at 9am! Now to clarify I don't drink a lot. And mostly on weekends and even then It's not every weekend day or every weekend for that matter. But I do like to have a drink. Here is why I say I don't know how people parent that don't drink.
*When I am buzzed I am 100% more sympathetic to Zach LOL
*When I am buzzed I love playing whatever he wants to play and don't notice how long we are playing it.
*It opens my mind. I think the best outside the box while a bit tipsy. I think about things I want to paint or write about, Think about fun things to do with the kids and make mental TO DO lists.
*I am so motivated to clean or organize
*I have to say it makes me more sensual of a person, I know that doesn't have much to do with parenting, But it has a lot to do with being a woman for me!!!!(Cmon. I had too!)
*When I am buzzed I allow Z to stay up late on weekends and it doesn't bug me if he is making a mess or a ton of noise!!
*I Love the kids acting like kids when I am buzzed. Dancing crazy, Saying weird things. It is so hilarious. Not that I dont like it when I'm not, JUST SAYING!
*I think the kids listen to me more when I'm buzzed/drunk. Its probably because I'm not so concerned about the process of things.
*Also, it helps me not "EXPLODE" like I have discussed.
*I am OVERLY POSITIVE this is a mind set. I am sure every parent has their own way to "catch a break" or "relax" and Music has the same effect one me if I can get the
right playlist going.
Thats just a few reasons...
Plus I feel young or Free. Since I was raised LDS It was always so Taboo to "have a drink" or anytime I saw a bottle of wine I was so nervous. Hah.

This is a Sangria. (For those that don't know, its Red Wine (or any wine), GingerAle (or 7up or OJ), And any other Alcohol of your choice. (I usually use Peach Schnapps or some kind of Pucker)& any kind of fruit. Usually I use some lemon juice, unless I think ahead! It is my new favorite drink!!!
Zach says "Mom you taste blegh" when I gave him a kiss. I disagree, I think its so good! But as a Mom, I am amused with him thinking its Blegh, as long as he pleases! ;)

New Year

HAPPY 2012!!!!
So my resolutions are the same as every year "get on a workout schedule and stick to it" Yeah ummmmm, I also added one to this and it is "Not being so explosive as a person/parent" I tend to be passive aggressive and hold things in all the time because I like to "Pick my battles" this goes for Zach and in my Relationships. Problem with "picking battles" is everything becomes a battle, because you get so frustrated about every small thing when you don't address them. At least that's how it is with me! So usually what happens is this..."hmm ok thats pretty annoying, owell not worth it" "O wow...ok still not worth it" then something seriously minut happens "WHAT THE **#$@%!!!" I come off to my husband and kids as "CRAZY" because I blew up over something so small..When really it wasn't the small thing that set me off.... Even a slow dripping faucet will eventually cause the pooling water to overflow.
Ok, So to work on this I have been telling poor Joel everything that is bugging me but staying calm. "Are you really going to leave all this on the table for me to throw away tomorrow?" "It is really bugging me right now that......" LOL. So far I don't really think he cares or notices my comments, and I feel so much better!!!! As far as Zach goes I implemented not "exploding" tonight on him. Joel pointed out "one" of the kids wrote "zach" on the wall and scribbled. I asked him why he did this. It was in his handwritting....hello..I know it was him. "I didn't do it" I asked him again. Same answer. I asked why he was lying? He said "I scribbled but I didn't write the name" Usually by this time I have unleashed some form of fury LOL. But tonight I just said that "I didn't appreciate him lying and he can sit in his room until he is ready to tell the truth and clean the wall" He went to his room for 10 min then came out and said he was ready to talk and said Sorry. I explained that his behavior was very bad because now he is in trouble for lying and for drawing on the wall.
Anyway, he cleaned it so its all good and I don't need to apologize for yelling at him!
YAY KUDOS TO ME!!!!!
*Disclaimer. I do not yell a lot. But I realize I need to take the MINIMAL yelling down to NEVER yelling. I feel it is more effective.