Thursday, November 29, 2012

Where am I?

I'm going to write about something that's very dear to my heart. I want to write because usually getting it out makes me feel better. I'm hoping I wont have people judging my negatively because of anything that is said in this because quite frankly I have enough negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis & a positive attitude will only go "so FAR".........Ok, that being said.......
      I hate how my own son, my own flesh & blood draws pictures of his family for school assignments and its NEVER ME. Its always HIS DADDY his OTHER MOM, HIS LITTLE SISTER & LITTLE BROTHER. Now I get that they are more a "family" to him than I am. They are the ones who sign him up for his sporting events, take him to and from school & enforce discipline. I really think he believes in his little brain that coming to my house is like a "vacation" almost from all the crap he has to do over there. Well here's the thing. I CAN'T take him to and from school because of work (whereas I am grateful that I have people that care about him, that can. It doesn't make it any easier on ME) I don't sign him up for sporting events because I get very minimal Child Support & I cannot afford it. (I'm GRATEFUL his DAD pays for this.........but.......its not ME) I don't go to Church anyways so I don't enforce those rules and guidelines on HIM.........& as far as chores go & homework......Yes I am alot more lax than they are. Which is fine. He does chores on Saturdays not EVERYDAY while here & he does his homework at night not RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. I feel I do the same things as they do just differently but it comes off to him as less. I really deserve the MOM spot in my child's life. I'm sick to death of him calling his step mom "MOM" and her actually thinking she is his MOM. Because there has been no line there, he doesn't understand why I am constantly saddened by his pictures. IF he does draw me he doesn't include Joel because to him "Joel isn't his Dad" well then why is "Trisha his Mom?"
    Now Zach isn't stupid. Hes actually very smart. Which is another reason this hurts me so much because he KNOWS I am his MOTHER. and still doesn't INCLUDE ME. I really hope I am not being petty about this because I realize I am the reason he is in this situation in the first place and It requires alot of Understanding on every ones part. I get it.
   The pain goes even deeper when you add my step daughter because obviously I am Brooke to her. Which is fine, I am NOT her Mom and would never cross the lines Zach's step mother has crossed but its very hard for me to be her "Friend" because I am not her friend. Yet I can't really "parent her". I am lost in that whole situation, and Its probably my fault but that doesn't change how frustrating and hard it is on me personally. Anyhow, anytime she draws a picture she draws it of her DAD and MOM and sometimes Zach. I am nowhere. I mean what am I busting my ass trying to set standards and hold the kids to a form of decency when I am nobody to either of them???????
    I really am beside myself at what I should do because I am doing the best I possibly can.  When Zach was a baby and his early years between 1 and 5yrs old, I worked graveyards so he would never be babysat. I AM THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED and RAISED him during those years & for what? In all honesty I shoulda just had him in a daycare, he doesn't view me for what he should and I feel disrespected by both of my Kids....  Its not like I want to be put on a pedestal for being a parent because that is just stupid. But I would like to feel included.
    I want more kids in my life and I partly think its because I am not being fulfilled in my life by what I already have. I'm wanting to be MOM. Ive been a Mother for almost 8 years now & I shouldn't feel like shit for what I have been through and done. But I do. Not that it would change or I would have changed anything had someone told me this when I got divorced because that was a very selfish time for me. I told myself and everyone else that Zach was fine & kids are resilient. Which both things are true- He is fine & he has been resilient but I guess what I didn't realize is that I am NOT.
    I have been upset while writing this & Zach just came in and saw that I was and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He did ask what was wrong, but I am not going to put this on him. He is just a 7 yr old and I have explained multiple times that it hurts m feelings. He went to go "make me a Christmas Ornament, to make me feel better"  Honestly none of this is his fault, obviously.
  I just need to find my own peace with it & am not sure how or if I ever will.

Thanks for Reading.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

boycotting Walmart.

Lets start at the beginning.
Its not really Walmart Per say, its more so their Photo Department that I have  a beef with......
I got my Thank you Cards for our wedding printed there ONLINE. At first they weren't done when they said they were going to be. Then They looked like CRAP!!!!!!! I paid for them to be printed then re did them at Inkleys (who is now out of business FML) so essentially had to pay for them TWICE because the quality was so bad I didn't even want to send them out.
Last month I went there to have my moms pictures printed. I put in my order. There is a sign that says their is a glitch in the system and to check to see that they received your order. I wait for 13 minutes... I ask. For some reason she thinks the name I told her to check "Brooke Landsaw" is "Rook lansel" She didn't have an order for a Mrs Lansel. NO KIDDING!  But I thought she didn't have my order........
 Then I realize I want to change this order so I ask her how to do this. She says she can't change the order. Nor can she cancel it so I can resubmit it. So she wanted me to re order what I wanted changed and have 2 orders then she would just adjust the price after she wasted all that paper.Wait...what???  I was super worried Id have to pay for all of them. And when I picked them up the guy who helped me was irritated because of all the extra photos I "didn't want"........
Now my biggest annoyance with their department and the reason for this rant is this time:
The other day I went there to have my Christmas Cards printed. I waited around at the freakin store for 1 1/2 hours wandering because I wanted to NOT GO BACK. When I finally pick up my cards I am asked if I have rights for the photo I used. Obviously I do. She says it looks professional ( OK mind you.....its the same attendant that I wanted to punch in the face from the previous time) I told her Thank you. She said I cannot take the cards out of the store until I can prove that I own the rights to that photo. OK Let me get this straight.........SHE ALREADY PRINTED THEM....... I ask how I will prove it. She said I needed a signed form showing the Photographer gave the rights to me...Or the disc she gave them to me on. OK for 1) She gave them to me on a COSTCO disc...and for 2) I never got a written anything from her signing them over. It was more of a verbal thing. Plus it was a friend of a friend that did them. I filled out a form stating I had the rights & put her name on it as the photographer. Apparently I don't need her name on this form at ALL because I own the rights? So I had to fill out another form. After all this Ive been at Walmart for almost 2 hours. FML!!!! I leave & before leaving she informs me that I better not be misrepresenting because the fine for Copyright Laws is $20,000 & I will be charged that whole fee. Yes Thank you. I DIDN'T COPYRIGHT anything though!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I am up paying for the rest of my stuff I hear her paging me over the intercom to come back to the photo dept. HELL NO I'm not going back there I wanted to get the F out of the store. Then they called me on my cell phone & left a message saying that "FOR SOME REASON" all of my cards weren't in my order and 20 are still in the photo lab. WTF x's 987324987!!!!!!!!!!! So much for NOT GOING BACK. UGH. I am so irritated at Walmart and their employee.
Going to go back today!! ARGH. its taken me all weekend to prepare for it.