Monday, June 10, 2013


Wondering why God is everyone's go-to when there is a problem?
God gives people strength? That strength is within them from the beginning. period.
I know a lot of my friends and family are religious people so I am not writing this saying they are wrong. But why do they think I am wrong for not choosing that?  Every time I talk to my mother about things going on she makes statements, that are confusing the real reason for the problem and finding a REAL SOLUTION to the problem.

Our problems are not that we are not active in the church, our financial problems are not due to the fact that we don't pay our tithing. I'm Sorry. But they aren't. I have walked that path before. I got married in the Temple to Zach's father & have paid my tithing from age 11 until age 16. took a break, then paid it from age 19 to 24. Yes, maybe not wanting the church in my life caused me to get divorced, but Jake and I were not right for each other & I have never regretted the decision to divorce. I have a great son with him that is very well adjusted and the light of both of our lives but that doesn't mean we should have stayed married.

I've heard time and time again that "its Sad that you've chosen to take the path of least resistance" Least resistance according to whom??? Also something about "its your free agency" Since when is it a choice? My whole childhood I never felt it was a choice. I was always forced to adhere to those teachings and scared about everything I did outside of them. I thought I was going to hell. I'm sorry, but that isn't a choice. That's not free agency, that's FEAR. And WRONG. Everyone talks down to me about my choice and acts like I'm stupid for choosing to live my life outside of those principles. Yeah, it is a CHOICE now that I'm an adult, and I've made it so quit with your underlying tirades with a hidden testimony. I know what you are doing, and when you do that it just irritates me. It doesn't make a so called "light bulb" go off in my mind.

Just to make this clear, I am just like you. I have things I like to do, Talents, a Sense of humor, I'm beautiful, Creative. I'm a great Mother. Just because I drink on the weekends and sometimes cuss, and don't give 10% of my paycheck to an organization doesn't make me less of a person nor should it make me less loved or accepted by anyone.

Yes, I do send my child to church weekly with his Dad. Why would I do that if I feel the way I feel? Because I see all the good things about religion. It's good for my child to be able to participate in those campouts as a teen, in scouts and have weekly activities that are good natured. Do I care if he chooses not to continue this as a Man? Absolutely not. Does it make all of my efforts to get him there, and his fathers efforts to take him there worth nothing? Absolutely not.

With all this being said. I love getting advice from everyone from all walks of life. But please give advice based on something other than this. Base it on Knowledge, not Faith and don't judge me or anyone associated with me for choosing not to live their life day to day with Faith alone. I'm pretty much at my wits end with "Pray about it" or "Pay a full tithe". My father is aware of our struggle and he has chosen not to help us because we didn't ask him? Sorry I don't believe that. No god would punish someone because they didn't merely ask. If I am ever a godly creature I would never treat my children spitefully. That's just stupid.

Again, Not trying to offend anyone. I wish people would quit offending me with this though. Its a very fine line and I just walked it.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Child Support.

NO. I don't think the horse is dead yet. I'm going to beat it a few more times, first. LOL!!!!!

So I am going to be keeping track of all expenses for a few months. Expenses Zach. Meaning every cent I spend on the boy I will keep a total of. I am doing it so I know how much I spend every month in Lou of Child Support. Obviously I cannot count FOOD because I'd buy groceries anyways and he's not an infant. Obviously I cannot count GAS for my car because I would put gas in anyways. Obviously I cannot count Utilities, Rent or other Bills. I want to know how much it costs for him. Clothes, Activities etc. The reason I want too is because I think what Joel pays his X is TOO MUCH. And she claims IT'S NOT. I want to prove her wrong!!!! It always comes back to the fact that I don't get much from my X & that's not her problem. UM It's not my problem either because I want to support my own child. The fact that she doesn't think its her job to support hers, IS MY PROBLEM. Not the fact that I don't get very much.
  Zach's Birthday is coming up too, which will make the total expense higher but  I guarantee it will still be probably 1/3 of what Joel has to pay a month. Its going to be interesting. Not that what I spend is equivalent to what she spends, obviously. Because I severely UNDERSPEND. This is more for me.

   Anyway we are in the process of getting a lawyer to get everything changed. As if having 2 kids isn't stressful enough I feel like I have a selfish monkey on my shoulder dictating how I live my life, how I am with the kids & how I am in my relationship with my own husband. Literally, I hope this works out in our favor because Joel and I are due for a break. I want to feel like I have the money to spend on the kids. Be able to go on Vacation as a family and make those memories with our family. Joel's X might be Zoey's family & my X Zach's. But OUR FAMILY is Me, Joel, Zach & Zoey. I want to have our family. No one else. Just us!!!  So we are taking the strides to make that more possible. I am sick of how caddy and manipulative, selfish and childish she really is.
I think it is time for Graduation. I mean seriously. I try my ass off to not be "that girl" "that X" that anything, And honestly I think I'm going to graduate with "honors"!!!!!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Coming out.

With it being Equality March or something I decided I needed to OUT someone on Blogger.  Its been entirely too long since I have "outed" someone on my blog!  I have wanted to "out" this person for quite some time but seeing as how it is Zoey's mom decided it wouldn't be a great idea. Well, that has changed because although Zoeys mom. She is still not a person to be sought after. That being said. I don't even care if she sees this post. Or if Zoey See's it. Because I am not "shit talking" I am being honest. And I'm sorry, the truth hurts.
    My husband has enabled her for a lot of years. She is the woman that always gets what she wants. And if something is of a slight discomfort to her she will not do it. Meaning....Jobs, paying for things for Zoey, driving Zoey to her Dad, Insuring Zoey, Paying for Zoeys lunch money, Paying for her summer camp, finding a babysitter when she didn't pay for summer camp, meeting Joel HALFWAY to trade off Zoey, paying Dr Co pays for Zoey, Paying Dr Bills for Zoey. OK basically anything that has to do with her DAUGHTER is Joels responsibility. Now that that's clear. She is overly obsessed with Zoey. She has now written me 2 separate emails 2 whole years apart bitching me out for not "caring" about Zoey. THE NERVE RIGHT????? After everything she WON'T do for ZOEY she bitches at me for that? I have babysat last minute, picked her up from Layton and other places random when she cannot. Paid for Summer camp for her, I have bought her clothes, I insure her at my job, And Joel pays her nearly half a paycheck a month to her and is being garnished for unpaid medical bills because she filed bankruptcy. We also pay for recreational activities when the kids are with us, plus buy her anything she needs while at our house. I have tried to hold Zoey to a standard of discipline and apparently those things mean I do not care. She has made it very difficult for me to Parent Zoey because she told Zoey she doesn't do anything wrong. and lets her do whatever she wants. And boy, does she....shes 9 now but I don't see her following rules at 15 if they were never set for her as a child. That is a whole other blog about blending families and problems that I never knew existed causing severe contention. But back to this...... She doesn't want me around her daughter because I am a bad influence!!!!
OK moving on from that, She has also gone as far as to insult Zach in these emails that he is a brat & so on. Um, Zach is a 7 year old BOY. He is not a Brat. He's very smart and sweet. Protective of me. But he is a boy. I'm sorry if he hurt his sisters feelings. Give me a break. Brothers and Sisters do that. And how did he hurt her feelings? He told her he didn't want to go to her Craft Birthday Party. Yes, That is why he is a Brat. Because she was crying. Pretty sure she wouldn't want to go to a Tag Football Party either. She also went as far as to say that anyone who associates with me is a bad person. OMG. I have had it up to HERE with this woman. I shouldn't have defend Zach for anything in this instance. He is a good kid. No, not perfect. Unlike her I don't see my child as perfect.
I sent her my two cents and we haven't spoken since but I wanted to take the kids swimming last week and asked Joel if she would meet me halfway so I can take them. (obviously it would make more sense if I can ask her directly....but....)  She wouldn't even meet me. Her panties are that far up her ass that she doesn't even have the civility to meet me in a parking lot so Zoey can get out of the car and come swimming with us? SERIOUSLY! Girl, needs to get over herself. Ya I am irritated at her but nothing else new about that. I am pretty used to her shenanigans Ive been with Joel for 3 1/2years.  Usually, I've found that people mature over the years but she is the true exception to this. I want to be civil for Zoeys sake but she makes it so Damn hard. I couldn't go to Zoeys Choir performance a few weeks ago because I think she owes me an apology and I don't know how to act. Its awkward to go and not speak to her while sitting right by her and I'm not about to act like nothing happened, because she has overstepped the line multiple times and by me acting like nothing happened is saying its OK and its NOT.
    Now I know how to do this whole Step parent to my kid thing. Zachs step mom has been around for 5+ years now and although we've had some problems too, Ive never, nor would I ever, bitch at her. I have spoken with Zachs Dad a few times about her over stepping her bounds and hurting my feelings and what not so I would never cross those lines with Zoey. But Zach's step mother and I get along. I actually consider her a friend. We have taken the kids to do Pictures together so Victoria and Ben can be in the photo with Zach also. And I've also gone swimming with her and her kids and Zach & Zoey. Ive also Babysat her kids for her. I am a strong believer that this is how it should be. Its complete peace and harmony with both families for Zachary. THIS is how I would have wanted it for him. Its about HIM. Its not about ME or about his DAD. I really wish Zoey's mother would realize this and put herself aside for ONCE IN HER LIFE and stop being so selfish because she thinks she's doing whats "best" for her daughter and she's actually doing whats "worst" for her.  
I respect that Zachs step mom isn't his Mom but that she does a lot for him. I would never tell her not to discipline Zach even if I didn't agree with the punishment. Its not my house and that's one of the things I've had to get over personally. I would hope Zoeys mother can come to same grounds with me because I deserve that respect from her and its difficult to expect respect from Zoey when her mother, an adult, refuses to show me that. I am going to be around for a long time, and its very comical that its this way after almost 4 years.  and with that........ this made me laugh.

Cheers to next 4 years!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

My 3 Epiphines.

Firstly. Am I the only one who thinks something & then thinks I've just had an epiphany? I am going to tell you about my epiphanies. I had 3. I am on a roll!!! ;)
*Sleeping 10hrs during the DAY is equivalent to sleeping 5hrs at NIGHT.
*Being Judged is different than being held accountable.
*Cockiness & Confident. 2 very separate things.
OK #1: I just started working graves and it has been a serious adjustment. I kind of thought I could handle it, ya know, working while Zach is sleeping then having him in the day because I work 4 tens so I have 3 days off. Well HAHA on me. I don't get any sleep & while I do have him all I want to do is sleep because I am ass tired. I am aging 5yrs a week with this schedule. Working 10hr nights then sleeping 5 hrs days is making me a zombie!!!!!! I am so effing tired & really can't get any sleep. I slept 12 hours last night & starting wanting a nap 3 hours after I got up because I am that out of it. I really do like my job & appreciate the fact that I am able to work in an environment that doesn't make me want to cut my wrists. & I also recognize that its never going to be perfect with work & juggling kids. I just can never catch a break.
#2 I have been "judged" on multiple occasions & multiple circumstance. OR so I thought "judged" Idk if what has happened has really been a judgement or necessarily what I've done has been commented on. I realize the difference. I have done a lot of stupid shit & when people have asked ya know, why did you do that? or why would you do that? or even that's really stupid. I have felt judged by them. BUT I realize its not necessarily a judgement because what I have done has not been the smartest thing ever. Its merely their opinion & what they are allowed think of said thing. I am close to a lot of people & when I have gotten these responses I'm like generally like "what the hell?" "I can't talk to you." But in all seriousness they are allowed to say or think whatever they say or think. I hope I can be a good parent and not respond this way because I want my children to feel like they can come to me & not feel any kind of way. BUT I also know my children will do things that are wrong & I am also allowed to think "What the hell?" its a very fine line. I have always felt equally judged & commented by my parents. & for that I Cheers them for raising a well rounded person. (Hopefully i am. And I feel that I am.)
#3 I was always attracted to confidence but cockiness is gross & not ok. I want to raise confident children but not cocky ones. So the difference: Cocky:  Overly self-assertive or self-confident. Confident:  self-assured. Very bold.
OK so not that different but in social situations very different. Cocky people are thinking they are the best thing ever and Confident people KNOW they are the best thing ever. HAHA!!!!!! But they aren't douchey about it. That makes no sense and in blogland it probably sounds redic but seriously. I want my son to be the best at Math or English whatever he is best at. And the best at Baseball or Basketball that he can literally be. & know that he is. Not thinking he is the best when he really sucks & disrespecting girls & people because he thinks he is better than them. I really think building a self confidence in kids that is REAL. based on REAL accomplishments is better than telling them GOOD JOB on seriously everything they do. This is one of my pet peeves. Applaud your children or spouses or friends whoever, on real things they do well. Don't automatically say "good job" because your kid drew a picture. SO DUMB!!!! I hope Zach doesn't think I am rude but I tell him "Holy crap Mr! that doesn't look very good!" because it looks like crap & I know he can do better. I want him to be real & understand that he's not going to get false praise forever. Luckily his Dad is the same way! LOL or I would be seriously mean right now.
Anyway I would totally love to hear your epiphanies or anything else you think of mine. Because feeling like I totally came up with something is probably just a matter of opinion, which I am fine with, because it is mine :)!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 4, 2013

My Mascara Testimony!

SO not to be WEIRD or anything. BUT , THIS MASCARA IS THE CATS PAJAMAS!!!!!
It is my favorite.
Ive used this since  I was a Jr in HS. Which lets recap on that....12 1/2Yrs. Sure, Ive tried other Mascaras. And recently my Mom gave me 3 different Avon brand Mascaras in my stocking. I thought 'what the hell ill try them' Well, What the hell is right. I HATED all the other kinds. 3 of my Friends have also changed to this Mascara after using it. I'm serious right now. I am a poster child for this mascara. The pic is Waterproof but don't do that. It is the normal kind!!  I just went on a tangent to my poor husband about this mascara & he didn't say ONE thing. Hmmmm...??? GO figure! hahahaha!!! So I told him "Fine, Im going to blog about this" I think he needs a beer because of ME!!! :) Here is why I like it:
*It doesn't make my eyelashes stiff. when they get stiff like that you can scratch your eye & eyelashes fall out. No bueno.
*It washes off easily with Dove soap. My husband likes Dial & I secretly want to punch him for that. But it even washes off with Dial.
*Its Only $6. I'm not sure why some Mascara is more & then doesn't even work that well.
*I use 2 coats & it looks like I spent a ton of time.
*I curl my eyelashes with my first coat ON & it doesn't clump together or stick to my curler....making a nasty gummed up mess. OR PULL OUT MY EYELASHES!
I encourage all of you to try it & if you don't like it, you can dress my cat in real pajamas, or punch me in the face! ;)