Lets just talk about how afraid I am of other people for a sec....
Im not sure why. Its not even that Im scared of people. Im scared of people LOOKING at me. Haha. How Juvenile!
But this has affected me my whole life. I come off as being rude but Im really so nice. Lots of people have told me their first impression of me was so wrong... Really? I have this phobia of people looking at me, and feeling judged by everyone. Im not sure if this is because of the way I was brought up in the church and them pounding into my small brain that "someone was always watching"... Or what my deal is?
This particular post is because I am deathly afraid of going to the gym. LOL I know right?! I have been a few times, I even got a membership so I am paying to go be judged. (thats what I feel like) I am not stupid I realize nobody cares. But I am breaking a sweat before even entering the building. I realize it is Summer. But thats not why. Its because I feel like im in a fish tank the whole time Im there. When you can feel someone looking at you, and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up... Yeah, THE WHOLE TIME im there, its like that!
This is also a problem at Drive Thru's... I would never go thru them because I thought the person was making fun of me when her speaker wasn't on. HA HA! AS if... I care what that person says about me at the Starbucks? Or do I????? Since I had Zachie I have almost got this phobia under wraps bc it is a huge pain to get him out and back into the car. SO I do use the drive thru. But I use to have the person in passenger yell orders over me. Because I hate it that badly!!!!
I view myself as someone who has a good head on her shoulders, and my self esteem isn't bad. I am very good at seeing stuff for exactly "WHAT IT IS"... I know that nobody is even seeing me at the gym. Im like a spider in there. 20eyes. Im looking around constantly. Can't even get a good workout, Im too stressed out about Joe Schmoe in the corner and the Barbie he's trying to get with, LOL.
I think that a personal trainer would benefit me while starting at the gym... it has been a few years since Ive had a membership. I get a trainer for free... But could I use it? ABSOLUTLY NOT!!! Why you ask? Because he WOULD BE LOOKING AT ME!!!! Thats his JOB! and judging how I was doing. I can't handle all this stress....
When they tried to assign me one the other day I freaked on the manager saying I didn't need one. Sorry & Thank you. And took off mid convo. He was probably wondering WTF my deal was... Too Anxious. I had to go into the bathroom for 5 min.
I also have this problem with Singing or Dancing while anyone is around. I would not like to draw any attention to myself. Zach is the only other human who has heard me sing on a regular basis. I was married to my X for over 3 years and not one note ever snuck out. I never even sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY out LOUD. Because heaven forbid my family might hear me.... What the hell????
My bf has been trying to break me out of this shell and he has helped a lot. I have danced a little with him when we go out. But seriously it is awkward because I am all the sudden wearing cement shoes and can't move my hips AT ALL!!! It doesn't matter how much I have drank. The hair on the back of my neck is standing on end!
I think this is why I love cats. They are always sneaking around on their tummies. acting like you dont exsist... but they know you're looking right at them!!! LOL
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE??? Take anxiety meds?? I might get to nervous to take them. LOL!!!!!
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