I am writting about this because its whats on my mind right now.
Being a single parent is really all I have ever known. I knew it was going to be difficult but I didn't realize how difficult. I got divorced from Zach's daddy when Zach was 9 months old. I lived with my parents for 6 months after that. Since this time when Zach was almost 1 1/2 years old, I have had my own place. I was torn with discipline because I didn't have anyone to fall back onto. I have been very hard on Zach. I have never been able to say "Im telling your dad when he gets home"... Although I think my X and I parent very well in seperate places. I am not saying that. We discipline the same so Zach knows what is expected. This being said. Being a single parent SUCKS!!!!!!!
I always feel I have already let Zach down. I have put him in this situation of not having both parents in the home at all times & have just expected him to deal with it. I get frustrated with him & more times than not, It has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with stress, money, my own relationship problems etc. I feel under constant scrutiny from my family because I have had to miss Zach's baseball/soccer games to be at work. Or because it is not my "holiday" to have him, I feel as though I am being judged. I feel like im not getting credit for being a "Full Time Parent" because I dont always have my child. But when I do have him, Its ALL ME. Always me reading to him, Always me making sure he is fed, Always me making sure he is entertained, clean, happy. Discipline is ALL me too. I feel its all or nothing, and it SUCKS.
Recently I have been reading about discipline in the home. I have some concerns about this. I read about the difference between "intrinsic" & "extrinsic" motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation. For example, they will receive money, a toy or priviledge if they do the task. If you are always rewarding your child with material things, he/she will never learn how to motivate themselves with internal rewards like pride. They also will never learn to value things because there are so many things and nothing is special.
I think I do both of these. I do reward Zach for being good while getting his picture taken or not acting up while he is with me at an appointment. But I am torn because I am constantly telling him "NO" you can't have a new movie. NO you can't have a new toy. NO you don't need a treat everytime we go to the store.
Having 2 families has its pros and cons for a child. Some of the PROS are: 2 Christmas, 2 birthdays, double toys, attention. This year we decided to not split halloween anymore. It is Jakes year. Zach keeps asking why he doesn't get 2 costumes this year for halloween. I feel he has been too spoiled this way. I dont want to have a spoiled child...
I do not think Zach is spoiled though. ??
He is so good. I know I am probably bias, but hes such a good boy & so cute too!
"Your child does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no." But he won't get over the effects of being spoiled" I agree with this statement. It is from Dr Phils website, where I always read about parenting. (LOL)
"It's easier to give in than to argue about it." This is a true statement. It is very hard to hold your ground about no snacking before bedtime because you didn't eat your dinner. No nightlight tonight because you got out of bed after I said NO. No drinks before bed because you had an accident a few nights ago. I hate always having to be "the bad guy" to Zach, I feel like a horrible parent :( Its Little things like this that I am constantly taking away & he is so sad. Yet I can't give in or he will continue to whine everytime... IT SUCKS! I know this isn't just a single Parent thing. This is a every PARENT thing.
I just feel like I suck. He is so forgiving of me & my faults. He is all hugs, No grudges. I love how innocent a childs love is. It is a blessing to me, and I am trying to be better.
Most of you know I have moved in with my boyfriend. He is great! & thats probably where this blog is coming from because he has a daughter & we are trying to blend our families. I feel like im starting all over & Im so insecure, and im second guessing the way I have always parented, because what works for me, may not work for us. I know others have blended families and I am grateful for everything I have. And very happy! Its just something on my mind. I just hope my best is good enough, because thats all I can do.
3 comments:
I love all the funny comics/pictures you post!
I've always thought extrinsic rewards are just fine -- that's what we adults get for working every day, right? Our paycheck is our extrinsic reward. :)
Discipline has got to be one of the hardest things to figure out!! And I think all the good parents are worried about their kids being spoiled & getting everything they want. But at the same time you do want your children to have fun!
Doing your best is all anyone can ever ask! And if you are really trying, your kids will eventually realize what an awesome mom they have! At least that's my hope. :)
you are a great parent!!! i always think about you when i see shitty parents at a store or restaurant letting their kids run all over and be annoying! i think, "my sister would never let zach do that so why are they letting their kids to that!?"
haha
love you!!
I totally hear you! Every night I go to bed feeling like the biggest ass of a mother. It really almost brings me to tears, and that is with the help of my hubby. Dont know how you do it but I have seen you and you are a great mom. You have worked your butt off to support him. Alas, I think it is also the role of a parent to feel horrible at the end of each day. Good luck!
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