My 3 Epiphines.

Firstly. Am I the only one who thinks something & then thinks I've just had an epiphany? I am going to tell you about my epiphanies. I had 3. I am on a roll!!! ;)
*Sleeping 10hrs during the DAY is equivalent to sleeping 5hrs at NIGHT.
*Being Judged is different than being held accountable.
*Cockiness & Confident. 2 very separate things.
OK #1: I just started working graves and it has been a serious adjustment. I kind of thought I could handle it, ya know, working while Zach is sleeping then having him in the day because I work 4 tens so I have 3 days off. Well HAHA on me. I don't get any sleep & while I do have him all I want to do is sleep because I am ass tired. I am aging 5yrs a week with this schedule. Working 10hr nights then sleeping 5 hrs days is making me a zombie!!!!!! I am so effing tired & really can't get any sleep. I slept 12 hours last night & starting wanting a nap 3 hours after I got up because I am that out of it. I really do like my job & appreciate the fact that I am able to work in an environment that doesn't make me want to cut my wrists. & I also recognize that its never going to be perfect with work & juggling kids. I just can never catch a break.
#2 I have been "judged" on multiple occasions & multiple circumstance. OR so I thought "judged" Idk if what has happened has really been a judgement or necessarily what I've done has been commented on. I realize the difference. I have done a lot of stupid shit & when people have asked ya know, why did you do that? or why would you do that? or even that's really stupid. I have felt judged by them. BUT I realize its not necessarily a judgement because what I have done has not been the smartest thing ever. Its merely their opinion & what they are allowed think of said thing. I am close to a lot of people & when I have gotten these responses I'm like generally like "what the hell?" "I can't talk to you." But in all seriousness they are allowed to say or think whatever they say or think. I hope I can be a good parent and not respond this way because I want my children to feel like they can come to me & not feel any kind of way. BUT I also know my children will do things that are wrong & I am also allowed to think "What the hell?" its a very fine line. I have always felt equally judged & commented by my parents. & for that I Cheers them for raising a well rounded person. (Hopefully i am. And I feel that I am.)
#3 I was always attracted to confidence but cockiness is gross & not ok. I want to raise confident children but not cocky ones. So the difference: Cocky:  Overly self-assertive or self-confident. Confident:  self-assured. Very bold.
OK so not that different but in social situations very different. Cocky people are thinking they are the best thing ever and Confident people KNOW they are the best thing ever. HAHA!!!!!! But they aren't douchey about it. That makes no sense and in blogland it probably sounds redic but seriously. I want my son to be the best at Math or English whatever he is best at. And the best at Baseball or Basketball that he can literally be. & know that he is. Not thinking he is the best when he really sucks & disrespecting girls & people because he thinks he is better than them. I really think building a self confidence in kids that is REAL. based on REAL accomplishments is better than telling them GOOD JOB on seriously everything they do. This is one of my pet peeves. Applaud your children or spouses or friends whoever, on real things they do well. Don't automatically say "good job" because your kid drew a picture. SO DUMB!!!! I hope Zach doesn't think I am rude but I tell him "Holy crap Mr! that doesn't look very good!" because it looks like crap & I know he can do better. I want him to be real & understand that he's not going to get false praise forever. Luckily his Dad is the same way! LOL or I would be seriously mean right now.
Anyway I would totally love to hear your epiphanies or anything else you think of mine. Because feeling like I totally came up with something is probably just a matter of opinion, which I am fine with, because it is mine :)!!!!!!!!

My Mascara Testimony!

SO not to be WEIRD or anything. BUT , THIS MASCARA IS THE CATS PAJAMAS!!!!!
It is my favorite.
Ive used this since  I was a Jr in HS. Which lets recap on that....12 1/2Yrs. Sure, Ive tried other Mascaras. And recently my Mom gave me 3 different Avon brand Mascaras in my stocking. I thought 'what the hell ill try them' Well, What the hell is right. I HATED all the other kinds. 3 of my Friends have also changed to this Mascara after using it. I'm serious right now. I am a poster child for this mascara. The pic is Waterproof but don't do that. It is the normal kind!!  I just went on a tangent to my poor husband about this mascara & he didn't say ONE thing. Hmmmm...??? GO figure! hahahaha!!! So I told him "Fine, Im going to blog about this" I think he needs a beer because of ME!!! :) Here is why I like it:
*It doesn't make my eyelashes stiff. when they get stiff like that you can scratch your eye & eyelashes fall out. No bueno.
*It washes off easily with Dove soap. My husband likes Dial & I secretly want to punch him for that. But it even washes off with Dial.
*Its Only $6. I'm not sure why some Mascara is more & then doesn't even work that well.
*I use 2 coats & it looks like I spent a ton of time.
*I curl my eyelashes with my first coat ON & it doesn't clump together or stick to my curler....making a nasty gummed up mess. OR PULL OUT MY EYELASHES!
I encourage all of you to try it & if you don't like it, you can dress my cat in real pajamas, or punch me in the face! ;)

2012

 

I don't know about everyone else but The NEW YEAR always seems refreshing to me. I'm really excited to accomplish some goals & be a better person. As for 2012 it was a lot better than 2011. Wow that year was a year in history that better NEVER repeat itself. Here is a little of what happened in 2012 at our house!!!!
In March we went to California with the kiddos. It was a blast but Next Vacation, we are leaving them home.

 Awe I love this picture!!!!!

 Zach lost 4 teeth in a 2 week period. This picture doesn't even show his other one. Im super happy about how straight his permanant teeth are coming in. Its always so awkward for kids to sport crooked teeth for 5 years. Im hoping he doesn't have too!!!!

 

We moved into our first house as a couple. We are loving it so far, but we would like to buy in 2013. 13 usually isnt a very lucky number so I'm hoping that doesn't transfer over to the entire YEAR.

He played Baseball, Soccer & Basketball in 2012. He did very well at all 3.

 

I started a new job working at the U Hospital, and love it so far!!! Im about to switch to Graveyards so we will see how that will go!

 

 His Dad & Step Mom had a baby boy!! Benjamin. He's so cute & Zach is a good big brother to him & his half sister Victoria. :) I love seeing him with them.

 And Zach & Zoey are still very weird.... Hah. Happy New Years.

Where am I?

I'm going to write about something that's very dear to my heart. I want to write because usually getting it out makes me feel better. I'm hoping I wont have people judging my negatively because of anything that is said in this because quite frankly I have enough negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis & a positive attitude will only go "so FAR".........Ok, that being said.......
      I hate how my own son, my own flesh & blood draws pictures of his family for school assignments and its NEVER ME. Its always HIS DADDY his OTHER MOM, HIS LITTLE SISTER & LITTLE BROTHER. Now I get that they are more a "family" to him than I am. They are the ones who sign him up for his sporting events, take him to and from school & enforce discipline. I really think he believes in his little brain that coming to my house is like a "vacation" almost from all the crap he has to do over there. Well here's the thing. I CAN'T take him to and from school because of work (whereas I am grateful that I have people that care about him, that can. It doesn't make it any easier on ME) I don't sign him up for sporting events because I get very minimal Child Support & I cannot afford it. (I'm GRATEFUL his DAD pays for this.........but.......its not ME) I don't go to Church anyways so I don't enforce those rules and guidelines on HIM.........& as far as chores go & homework......Yes I am alot more lax than they are. Which is fine. He does chores on Saturdays not EVERYDAY while here & he does his homework at night not RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. I feel I do the same things as they do just differently but it comes off to him as less. I really deserve the MOM spot in my child's life. I'm sick to death of him calling his step mom "MOM" and her actually thinking she is his MOM. Because there has been no line there, he doesn't understand why I am constantly saddened by his pictures. IF he does draw me he doesn't include Joel because to him "Joel isn't his Dad" well then why is "Trisha his Mom?"
    Now Zach isn't stupid. Hes actually very smart. Which is another reason this hurts me so much because he KNOWS I am his MOTHER. and still doesn't INCLUDE ME. I really hope I am not being petty about this because I realize I am the reason he is in this situation in the first place and It requires alot of Understanding on every ones part. I get it.
   The pain goes even deeper when you add my step daughter because obviously I am Brooke to her. Which is fine, I am NOT her Mom and would never cross the lines Zach's step mother has crossed but its very hard for me to be her "Friend" because I am not her friend. Yet I can't really "parent her". I am lost in that whole situation, and Its probably my fault but that doesn't change how frustrating and hard it is on me personally. Anyhow, anytime she draws a picture she draws it of her DAD and MOM and sometimes Zach. I am nowhere. I mean what am I busting my ass trying to set standards and hold the kids to a form of decency when I am nobody to either of them???????
    I really am beside myself at what I should do because I am doing the best I possibly can.  When Zach was a baby and his early years between 1 and 5yrs old, I worked graveyards so he would never be babysat. I AM THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED and RAISED him during those years & for what? In all honesty I shoulda just had him in a daycare, he doesn't view me for what he should and I feel disrespected by both of my Kids....  Its not like I want to be put on a pedestal for being a parent because that is just stupid. But I would like to feel included.
    I want more kids in my life and I partly think its because I am not being fulfilled in my life by what I already have. I'm wanting to be MOM. Ive been a Mother for almost 8 years now & I shouldn't feel like shit for what I have been through and done. But I do. Not that it would change or I would have changed anything had someone told me this when I got divorced because that was a very selfish time for me. I told myself and everyone else that Zach was fine & kids are resilient. Which both things are true- He is fine & he has been resilient but I guess what I didn't realize is that I am NOT.
    I have been upset while writing this & Zach just came in and saw that I was and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He did ask what was wrong, but I am not going to put this on him. He is just a 7 yr old and I have explained multiple times that it hurts m feelings. He went to go "make me a Christmas Ornament, to make me feel better"  Honestly none of this is his fault, obviously.
  I just need to find my own peace with it & am not sure how or if I ever will.

Thanks for Reading.

boycotting Walmart.

Lets start at the beginning.
Its not really Walmart Per say, its more so their Photo Department that I have  a beef with......
I got my Thank you Cards for our wedding printed there ONLINE. At first they weren't done when they said they were going to be. Then They looked like CRAP!!!!!!! I paid for them to be printed then re did them at Inkleys (who is now out of business FML) so essentially had to pay for them TWICE because the quality was so bad I didn't even want to send them out.
Last month I went there to have my moms pictures printed. I put in my order. There is a sign that says their is a glitch in the system and to check to see that they received your order. I wait for 13 minutes... I ask. For some reason she thinks the name I told her to check "Brooke Landsaw" is "Rook lansel" She didn't have an order for a Mrs Lansel. NO KIDDING!  But I thought she didn't have my order........
 Then I realize I want to change this order so I ask her how to do this. She says she can't change the order. Nor can she cancel it so I can resubmit it. So she wanted me to re order what I wanted changed and have 2 orders then she would just adjust the price after she wasted all that paper.Wait...what???  I was super worried Id have to pay for all of them. And when I picked them up the guy who helped me was irritated because of all the extra photos I "didn't want"........
Now my biggest annoyance with their department and the reason for this rant is this time:

The other day I went there to have my Christmas Cards printed. I waited around at the freakin store for 1 1/2 hours wandering because I wanted to NOT GO BACK. When I finally pick up my cards I am asked if I have rights for the photo I used. Obviously I do. She says it looks professional ( OK mind you.....its the same attendant that I wanted to punch in the face from the previous time) I told her Thank you. She said I cannot take the cards out of the store until I can prove that I own the rights to that photo. OK Let me get this straight.........SHE ALREADY PRINTED THEM....... I ask how I will prove it. She said I needed a signed form showing the Photographer gave the rights to me...Or the disc she gave them to me on. OK for 1) She gave them to me on a COSTCO disc...and for 2) I never got a written anything from her signing them over. It was more of a verbal thing. Plus it was a friend of a friend that did them. I filled out a form stating I had the rights & put her name on it as the photographer. Apparently I don't need her name on this form at ALL because I own the rights? So I had to fill out another form. After all this Ive been at Walmart for almost 2 hours. FML!!!! I leave & before leaving she informs me that I better not be misrepresenting because the fine for Copyright Laws is $20,000 & I will be charged that whole fee. Yes Thank you. I DIDN'T COPYRIGHT anything though!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I am up paying for the rest of my stuff I hear her paging me over the intercom to come back to the photo dept. HELL NO I'm not going back there I wanted to get the F out of the store. Then they called me on my cell phone & left a message saying that "FOR SOME REASON" all of my cards weren't in my order and 20 are still in the photo lab. WTF x's 987324987!!!!!!!!!!! So much for NOT GOING BACK. UGH. I am so irritated at Walmart and their employee.
Going to go back today!! ARGH. its taken me all weekend to prepare for it.

Thats my Boy!!!!

So I realize I am bias, not only because he is my son. But also my ONLY child. But he is seriously the BEST!!! He's so funny & witty, not to mention handsome. I went on a date tonight with him- just him and I. And I can honestly say I love hanging out with him & conversing with this boy.
    He knows I work at the U sterilizing surgical equipment so he started asking questions about blood. I had a full conversation with him (my 7 yr old) about what plasma is & how it helps people and why you can donate plasma more than you can donate blood. I explained that every ones blood type is different. But that he has the same as me, and I have the same as Grandma. But Grandpa is a universal donor etc...

Zach: So if all me, you & grandma were in a car accident and needed blood Grandpa could help us.
Me: Yes! But he probably couldn't help all of us, because one person can't give that much blood at one time.
Zach: Well....Then he should help you first
Me: I don't know. Why do you say that?
Zach: Because then you can get better & take care of me. He is OK so he can take care of Grandma til he can donate more blood for her & once you are better you can donate blood to me.

I am blown away that he thought of all of this in this short convo. He is amazingly smart to put all of that together!

Earlier convo:

Me: How is that cute lil bro of yours doing? I want to hold him.
Zach: Yeah he is doing good. He's pretty nice & hes a good listener too.
(Baby Bro....less than 2 months old..........)
Me: What do you mean he's a good listener? (laughing)
Zach: Because earlier today he was hanging out on the floor on a blanket & I went over to him and said "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle..yeah" & he wiggled then I said "Giggle giggle giggle giggle...yeah" (if you are not getting this, its from the song "I'm sexy & I know it" lmao!!!!) & then he laughed too. Then he got that look on his face like he was going to start crying & I counted down from 5 and he waited til I hit 1 to cry" 
Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard when he was telling me this story. I'm still laughing about baby brother "hanging out on the floor" he's 7 weeks old. That's pretty much ALL they do is "hang out".....oh my. Hilarious.

Just now:
Me: Sweets. I need to go to bed. I am tired from getting up so early everyday (5am)
Zach: Well, that's life.
Me: Yea (laughing) that doesn't make it suck any less.
Zach: No. No it doesn't. Life can really suck.

Again......Laughing. So. Hard.
Aw. his wisdom!!!! This is all from the past 5 hours. I seriously love that kid! He's awesome without trying!!!
I know he is only with me half of the time but I can't imagine my life without him anymore, I'm sure that's how all parents are. But sometimes doing things with him there I just realize how normal it is that I have a tiny human. I mean, ME. I have this great person in my life. That I created. I'm just really grateful for him & all he is & has done for me.

THAT'S MY BOY!!!!

Pic FAIL!

So the family pictures that I wanted to lose weight for have came and gone. I did lose 20lbs then I think gained some back before the pics....UGH. Lets just say that I bombed these photos. And also that I am mad at my body. I am about to have a blog overshare so if you do not want to know anything about me please stop reading now. I think my hormones are completely off balance. I dont know where to go to have them checked, if anybody knows of a place or a Dr. Please let me know. There are multiple things about my life right now which would lead me to believe my hormones are playing hide and seek with me. Losing weight being one of them. I always say if I had 3 wishes I wouldn't even wish for a different body. I'd want my body just unable to gain weight past a certain number. YES! I want the number. I dont even care if the scale is broken, I know its broken & shows 15lbs less than I really am- and I know this. I want to see the NUMBER!!!!! Now I realize what I just said was completly oxy moronish because by wantin the number and then knowing its wrong, how is that good? It just is ok. Don't ask questions about my rationalle. Now lets take a gander at my fat ass....ahem, I mean photos.

FAIL.

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I will not subject myself to any more torture. OMG I am humiliated. HATE HATE HATE!!!!! Why does it have to be so hard? Eff this!!!

Now I will show some other pics that I did like (that I was able to disguise my fatness in!)

Yes I am aware anyone would look fat next to HER!!! I am the short fat one in my family. It sucks, but I am 30 now and only caddy about it on my blog. ;)

I DO LOVE MY FAMILY!!!

And aren't my kids Beautiful???????

This is so HANDSOME of Zach. LOVE!!!!

And so PRETTY of Zoey!!

 

Guess I will continue to work on myself. ARGH!!!! :)

 

 

Annoyed yet??

My Day of Annoyance. Seriously. Everything that happened on this day was seriously annoying.

   For starters I woke up to knock my phone off the night stand. It didn't JUST fall on the floor. And you can bet it was still ON when this happened. It decided to land halfway under my bed. I had to long arm it to even reach it. This was 5AM. I need to be up by 5:20 so I thought....its fine, I still have 20min to sleep. <-------wrong .="." class="goog-spellcheck-word" g-spell-original="kities" my="my" span="span">kitties
decided it was the perfect time to wrestle each other & that the perfect place for this was OUTSIDE OUR DOOR. Ugh!!!!!!!! Then baby Soco decided she would scratch at the door. OK i am up, 5:08.I forgot to put water in my Coffee maker, So i was wondering why the timer I had set the night before didn't work. yes this is my fault. but nonetheless ANNOYING. If i wouldn't have put the grinds in the maker before this day It would have been the time I knocked the spoon on the side of the canister and spilled grinds all over. This has happened more often than i'd like to admit. Just Sayin!!!!!!!
   Anyways so Im out of the house by 5:45am and as Im driving out of my street this douche on his morning bike ride wearing all black flipped me off when I almost hit him. DUDE...You look like a sniper in the night. I really almost plowed him because at 5:45 in the am I tend to think traffic laws don't apply to me. Whatever! He should wear white or something that has a reflector on it. or get a bike light.
I get on the Trax and Im not sure if any of ya'll follow me on twitter but im having a severe annoyance to people speaking other languages around me. Its seriously like someone is poking me in the arm. Why do they have to talk so loud? anyway- The chinese tourist convention must have been in town this day because they all sat and laughed and talked loudly about lord knows what. Worse than a morning show on the radio. I will kill morning shows. Oh yea, and my Ipod was DEAD. FML.
        I get to work and im informed i left a piece of someones BONE in one of my Neuro sets. I think this is a common mistake to be honest with you because this set needs to be double checked everytime it is built (for those that don't know I am in Surgical Processing at the University Hospital) Ok so I didn't see it.
After work I like to get the 3:28pm Trax train because the trains wait for 20min at the University when they arrive so by missing it I get home a whole half hour later. SO I MISS THE TRAIN!!! WTF.
I am waiting very impatiently for Pumpkin Coffee creamer to hit the stores. I was told Reams has it. So I decide to go there......Backtrack a bit.......Zach is acting like a 4yr old baby and crying because "he doesn't want to go to the store ..Blah blah yadda......" (he seriously was CRYING over it! Omg....UGH). I drag his ornery butt to the store hoping to find my creamer. Well they didn't have it. I also needed kitty food so I go get some. The brand my cats are on is $9 for a smaller bag than I usually get for $10........I didn't want to take ornery butt to another store nor drive there. So I paid for it. Now for the sake of annoyance they had one of those dancing Halloween skeletons right by the register singing and dancing in a top hat. They have that, but no pumpkin creamer????? THIS IS A GROCERY STORE and Halloween is all about PUMPKINS. GET YO PRIORITIES IN ORDER. yeah, they had Pumpkin Beer too.
 The kids are playing outside and this bigger kid comes over to play. Zachs step mom comes by to chat because she saw us outside. This boy tells Trisha that he stole one of Zachs toys out of their yard earlier. WTF? Whos freakin kid is this and get him out of my yard. LOL!
Seriously good thing it is Friday!

 oh, its THURSDAY!!!!! 
Luckily now it is the weekend. :o) Rant Over.

Fedora=Hitler?

So Joel and I just signed a lease on a house to rent for the next year. This is amazing because it will be my first time living in a house since Zach was born. Hah, 7 years ago!! (I did rent a basement apartment. but I would like to emphasize on the word APARTMENT in this scenario!!!!) So, there are a lot of great things about this house. It has 4 bedrooms and a den/playroom. We will have one extra room. It also has a separate room for Laundry which is amazing because my previous apartment had the washer/dryer in a closet and it was not OK! The house is in West Jordan in my X husbands (Zach's other house!!!!!!) neighborhood. IT is why I found it. Its like 4 houses down LOL!!! Which is amazing for Zach, and doesn't change much for Zoey because Joels work is right by her school so he is already going that direction when she is with us! It doesn't have a carport or covered parking which does suck and the other thing that isn't amazing about this house is...... the other day when I was dropping Zach off at his Dads (which again...Same neighborhood we are moving too........) I was in a swimsuit cover and my Fedora. This one.



The guy next door was out mowing his lawn and got way pissed off about my hat. He started yelling "HEY CHIKEE. IF YOU WANT A STRAW. ILL SHOW YOU A REAL STRAW." I was like wtf.....then he was carrying on "WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE ME ALL OF A SUDDEN. CAN'T SAY HI ANYMORE?" (I have never spoken to this person..........EVER) I thought he may have mistaken me for Trisha, Jake's wife. (which don't get me started here because she is  8 1/2 mo pregnant.. LOL) So I said "I'm Brooke" He got even more mad "YEAH I KNOW ZACH'S MOM" went inside. Then I'm talking to Jake for a second and he comes back outside "HEYYYYY (in his cowboy hat) THIS IS A REAL STRAW. DON'T BE WEARING THAT AROUND HERE. (spikes his baseball hat into Jake's yard over the fence) YOU DISRESPECT 9-11." I was sick of him by this time so replied "THIS IS A FEDORA. ITS NOT A COWBOY HAT OR ANYTHING ELSE. IT DOESN'T MATTER" he flew off the handle and said all sorts of weird crap about 9-11 and how I am like Hitler. Uggghhh. Jake told me to just leave and he would go talk to him. Apparently my Hat reminded him of Hitler and he lost it? IDK!!! But Sorry Mr. Lots of people in that decade wore hats shaped like this. It was the TIME not the person. WTF!!!! Jake said hes never seen him act like that before and Joel wanted to go "speak" with him. ha ha ha! Hopefully he doesn't see me doing yard work and come over and start something. LOL
Anyways Cheers to our new house!!!!

MIND over MATTER!

So I looked it up: The term does not relate to the belief that the mind is more powerful than the body. Specifically, mind over matter refers to controlling pain that one may or may not be experiencing but that through the power of concentration and "positive thinking", people can walk on hot coals without getting burned.
UM WHAT???? Walking on HOT coals will burn you. Even if I am saying "I think I can't, I think I can't" I would blister like a Mo-Fo. Then probably be told my mind isnt strong enough? WTF!!!!
    So Im trying to diet as my previous post a bit ago implied and I am having a hell of a time. AND it is for a stupid reason. I JUST WANT A DAMN COFFEE. :o)

Now I really am not this person. I LOVE Coffee and it helps me Relax a bit, but I go days and days without it a lot and don't care. Why do I care right now? Because I can't have it. I keep telling myself Mind over Matter Brooke. UM Now to add insult to injury I find out thats not what Mind over Matter even means!!!!!!! Oy VEI.

See?! What a Day!!!!!!