Well, well, it has been almost a year and a half since I have written!
I am re finding myself and am happier than I have been in a long time!
2015 is my NEW BEGINNING AND FRESH START!!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, June 10, 2013
OMG.
Wondering why God is everyone's go-to when there is a problem?
God gives people strength? That strength is within them from the beginning. period.
I know a lot of my friends and family are religious people so I am not writing this saying they are wrong. But why do they think I am wrong for not choosing that? Every time I talk to my mother about things going on she makes statements, that are confusing the real reason for the problem and finding a REAL SOLUTION to the problem.
Our problems are not that we are not active in the church, our financial problems are not due to the fact that we don't pay our tithing. I'm Sorry. But they aren't. I have walked that path before. I got married in the Temple to Zach's father & have paid my tithing from age 11 until age 16. took a break, then paid it from age 19 to 24. Yes, maybe not wanting the church in my life caused me to get divorced, but Jake and I were not right for each other & I have never regretted the decision to divorce. I have a great son with him that is very well adjusted and the light of both of our lives but that doesn't mean we should have stayed married.
I've heard time and time again that "its Sad that you've chosen to take the path of least resistance" Least resistance according to whom??? Also something about "its your free agency" Since when is it a choice? My whole childhood I never felt it was a choice. I was always forced to adhere to those teachings and scared about everything I did outside of them. I thought I was going to hell. I'm sorry, but that isn't a choice. That's not free agency, that's FEAR. And WRONG. Everyone talks down to me about my choice and acts like I'm stupid for choosing to live my life outside of those principles. Yeah, it is a CHOICE now that I'm an adult, and I've made it so quit with your underlying tirades with a hidden testimony. I know what you are doing, and when you do that it just irritates me. It doesn't make a so called "light bulb" go off in my mind.
Just to make this clear, I am just like you. I have things I like to do, Talents, a Sense of humor, I'm beautiful, Creative. I'm a great Mother. Just because I drink on the weekends and sometimes cuss, and don't give 10% of my paycheck to an organization doesn't make me less of a person nor should it make me less loved or accepted by anyone.
Yes, I do send my child to church weekly with his Dad. Why would I do that if I feel the way I feel? Because I see all the good things about religion. It's good for my child to be able to participate in those campouts as a teen, in scouts and have weekly activities that are good natured. Do I care if he chooses not to continue this as a Man? Absolutely not. Does it make all of my efforts to get him there, and his fathers efforts to take him there worth nothing? Absolutely not.
With all this being said. I love getting advice from everyone from all walks of life. But please give advice based on something other than this. Base it on Knowledge, not Faith and don't judge me or anyone associated with me for choosing not to live their life day to day with Faith alone. I'm pretty much at my wits end with "Pray about it" or "Pay a full tithe". My father is aware of our struggle and he has chosen not to help us because we didn't ask him? Sorry I don't believe that. No god would punish someone because they didn't merely ask. If I am ever a godly creature I would never treat my children spitefully. That's just stupid.
Again, Not trying to offend anyone. I wish people would quit offending me with this though. Its a very fine line and I just walked it.
God gives people strength? That strength is within them from the beginning. period.
I know a lot of my friends and family are religious people so I am not writing this saying they are wrong. But why do they think I am wrong for not choosing that? Every time I talk to my mother about things going on she makes statements, that are confusing the real reason for the problem and finding a REAL SOLUTION to the problem.
Our problems are not that we are not active in the church, our financial problems are not due to the fact that we don't pay our tithing. I'm Sorry. But they aren't. I have walked that path before. I got married in the Temple to Zach's father & have paid my tithing from age 11 until age 16. took a break, then paid it from age 19 to 24. Yes, maybe not wanting the church in my life caused me to get divorced, but Jake and I were not right for each other & I have never regretted the decision to divorce. I have a great son with him that is very well adjusted and the light of both of our lives but that doesn't mean we should have stayed married.
I've heard time and time again that "its Sad that you've chosen to take the path of least resistance" Least resistance according to whom??? Also something about "its your free agency" Since when is it a choice? My whole childhood I never felt it was a choice. I was always forced to adhere to those teachings and scared about everything I did outside of them. I thought I was going to hell. I'm sorry, but that isn't a choice. That's not free agency, that's FEAR. And WRONG. Everyone talks down to me about my choice and acts like I'm stupid for choosing to live my life outside of those principles. Yeah, it is a CHOICE now that I'm an adult, and I've made it so quit with your underlying tirades with a hidden testimony. I know what you are doing, and when you do that it just irritates me. It doesn't make a so called "light bulb" go off in my mind.
Just to make this clear, I am just like you. I have things I like to do, Talents, a Sense of humor, I'm beautiful, Creative. I'm a great Mother. Just because I drink on the weekends and sometimes cuss, and don't give 10% of my paycheck to an organization doesn't make me less of a person nor should it make me less loved or accepted by anyone.
Yes, I do send my child to church weekly with his Dad. Why would I do that if I feel the way I feel? Because I see all the good things about religion. It's good for my child to be able to participate in those campouts as a teen, in scouts and have weekly activities that are good natured. Do I care if he chooses not to continue this as a Man? Absolutely not. Does it make all of my efforts to get him there, and his fathers efforts to take him there worth nothing? Absolutely not.
With all this being said. I love getting advice from everyone from all walks of life. But please give advice based on something other than this. Base it on Knowledge, not Faith and don't judge me or anyone associated with me for choosing not to live their life day to day with Faith alone. I'm pretty much at my wits end with "Pray about it" or "Pay a full tithe". My father is aware of our struggle and he has chosen not to help us because we didn't ask him? Sorry I don't believe that. No god would punish someone because they didn't merely ask. If I am ever a godly creature I would never treat my children spitefully. That's just stupid.
Again, Not trying to offend anyone. I wish people would quit offending me with this though. Its a very fine line and I just walked it.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Child Support.
NO. I don't think the horse is dead yet. I'm going to beat it a few more times, first. LOL!!!!!
So I am going to be keeping track of all expenses for a few months. Expenses Zach. Meaning every cent I spend on the boy I will keep a total of. I am doing it so I know how much I spend every month in Lou of Child Support. Obviously I cannot count FOOD because I'd buy groceries anyways and he's not an infant. Obviously I cannot count GAS for my car because I would put gas in anyways. Obviously I cannot count Utilities, Rent or other Bills. I want to know how much it costs for him. Clothes, Activities etc. The reason I want too is because I think what Joel pays his X is TOO MUCH. And she claims IT'S NOT. I want to prove her wrong!!!! It always comes back to the fact that I don't get much from my X & that's not her problem. UM It's not my problem either because I want to support my own child. The fact that she doesn't think its her job to support hers, IS MY PROBLEM. Not the fact that I don't get very much.
Zach's Birthday is coming up too, which will make the total expense higher but I guarantee it will still be probably 1/3 of what Joel has to pay a month. Its going to be interesting. Not that what I spend is equivalent to what she spends, obviously. Because I severely UNDERSPEND. This is more for me.
Anyway we are in the process of getting a lawyer to get everything changed. As if having 2 kids isn't stressful enough I feel like I have a selfish monkey on my shoulder dictating how I live my life, how I am with the kids & how I am in my relationship with my own husband. Literally, I hope this works out in our favor because Joel and I are due for a break. I want to feel like I have the money to spend on the kids. Be able to go on Vacation as a family and make those memories with our family. Joel's X might be Zoey's family & my X Zach's. But OUR FAMILY is Me, Joel, Zach & Zoey. I want to have our family. No one else. Just us!!! So we are taking the strides to make that more possible. I am sick of how caddy and manipulative, selfish and childish she really is.
So I am going to be keeping track of all expenses for a few months. Expenses Zach. Meaning every cent I spend on the boy I will keep a total of. I am doing it so I know how much I spend every month in Lou of Child Support. Obviously I cannot count FOOD because I'd buy groceries anyways and he's not an infant. Obviously I cannot count GAS for my car because I would put gas in anyways. Obviously I cannot count Utilities, Rent or other Bills. I want to know how much it costs for him. Clothes, Activities etc. The reason I want too is because I think what Joel pays his X is TOO MUCH. And she claims IT'S NOT. I want to prove her wrong!!!! It always comes back to the fact that I don't get much from my X & that's not her problem. UM It's not my problem either because I want to support my own child. The fact that she doesn't think its her job to support hers, IS MY PROBLEM. Not the fact that I don't get very much.
Zach's Birthday is coming up too, which will make the total expense higher but I guarantee it will still be probably 1/3 of what Joel has to pay a month. Its going to be interesting. Not that what I spend is equivalent to what she spends, obviously. Because I severely UNDERSPEND. This is more for me.
Anyway we are in the process of getting a lawyer to get everything changed. As if having 2 kids isn't stressful enough I feel like I have a selfish monkey on my shoulder dictating how I live my life, how I am with the kids & how I am in my relationship with my own husband. Literally, I hope this works out in our favor because Joel and I are due for a break. I want to feel like I have the money to spend on the kids. Be able to go on Vacation as a family and make those memories with our family. Joel's X might be Zoey's family & my X Zach's. But OUR FAMILY is Me, Joel, Zach & Zoey. I want to have our family. No one else. Just us!!! So we are taking the strides to make that more possible. I am sick of how caddy and manipulative, selfish and childish she really is.
I think it is time for Graduation. I mean seriously. I try my ass off to not be "that girl" "that X" that anything, And honestly I think I'm going to graduate with "honors"!!!!!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Coming out.
With it being Equality March or something I decided I needed to OUT someone on Blogger. Its been entirely too long since I have "outed" someone on my blog! I have wanted to "out" this person for quite some time but seeing as how it is Zoey's mom decided it wouldn't be a great idea. Well, that has changed because although Zoeys mom. She is still not a person to be sought after. That being said. I don't even care if she sees this post. Or if Zoey See's it. Because I am not "shit talking" I am being honest. And I'm sorry, the truth hurts.
My husband has enabled her for a lot of years. She is the woman that always gets what she wants. And if something is of a slight discomfort to her she will not do it. Meaning....Jobs, paying for things for Zoey, driving Zoey to her Dad, Insuring Zoey, Paying for Zoeys lunch money, Paying for her summer camp, finding a babysitter when she didn't pay for summer camp, meeting Joel HALFWAY to trade off Zoey, paying Dr Co pays for Zoey, Paying Dr Bills for Zoey. OK basically anything that has to do with her DAUGHTER is Joels responsibility. Now that that's clear. She is overly obsessed with Zoey. She has now written me 2 separate emails 2 whole years apart bitching me out for not "caring" about Zoey. THE NERVE RIGHT????? After everything she WON'T do for ZOEY she bitches at me for that? I have babysat last minute, picked her up from Layton and other places random when she cannot. Paid for Summer camp for her, I have bought her clothes, I insure her at my job, And Joel pays her nearly half a paycheck a month to her and is being garnished for unpaid medical bills because she filed bankruptcy. We also pay for recreational activities when the kids are with us, plus buy her anything she needs while at our house. I have tried to hold Zoey to a standard of discipline and apparently those things mean I do not care. She has made it very difficult for me to Parent Zoey because she told Zoey she doesn't do anything wrong. and lets her do whatever she wants. And boy, does she....shes 9 now but I don't see her following rules at 15 if they were never set for her as a child. That is a whole other blog about blending families and problems that I never knew existed causing severe contention. But back to this...... She doesn't want me around her daughter because I am a bad influence!!!!
OK moving on from that, She has also gone as far as to insult Zach in these emails that he is a brat & so on. Um, Zach is a 7 year old BOY. He is not a Brat. He's very smart and sweet. Protective of me. But he is a boy. I'm sorry if he hurt his sisters feelings. Give me a break. Brothers and Sisters do that. And how did he hurt her feelings? He told her he didn't want to go to her Craft Birthday Party. Yes, That is why he is a Brat. Because she was crying. Pretty sure she wouldn't want to go to a Tag Football Party either. She also went as far as to say that anyone who associates with me is a bad person. OMG. I have had it up to HERE with this woman. I shouldn't have defend Zach for anything in this instance. He is a good kid. No, not perfect. Unlike her I don't see my child as perfect.
I sent her my two cents and we haven't spoken since but I wanted to take the kids swimming last week and asked Joel if she would meet me halfway so I can take them. (obviously it would make more sense if I can ask her directly....but....) She wouldn't even meet me. Her panties are that far up her ass that she doesn't even have the civility to meet me in a parking lot so Zoey can get out of the car and come swimming with us? SERIOUSLY! Girl, needs to get over herself. Ya I am irritated at her but nothing else new about that. I am pretty used to her shenanigans Ive been with Joel for 3 1/2years. Usually, I've found that people mature over the years but she is the true exception to this. I want to be civil for Zoeys sake but she makes it so Damn hard. I couldn't go to Zoeys Choir performance a few weeks ago because I think she owes me an apology and I don't know how to act. Its awkward to go and not speak to her while sitting right by her and I'm not about to act like nothing happened, because she has overstepped the line multiple times and by me acting like nothing happened is saying its OK and its NOT.
Now I know how to do this whole Step parent to my kid thing. Zachs step mom has been around for 5+ years now and although we've had some problems too, Ive never, nor would I ever, bitch at her. I have spoken with Zachs Dad a few times about her over stepping her bounds and hurting my feelings and what not so I would never cross those lines with Zoey. But Zach's step mother and I get along. I actually consider her a friend. We have taken the kids to do Pictures together so Victoria and Ben can be in the photo with Zach also. And I've also gone swimming with her and her kids and Zach & Zoey. Ive also Babysat her kids for her. I am a strong believer that this is how it should be. Its complete peace and harmony with both families for Zachary. THIS is how I would have wanted it for him. Its about HIM. Its not about ME or about his DAD. I really wish Zoey's mother would realize this and put herself aside for ONCE IN HER LIFE and stop being so selfish because she thinks she's doing whats "best" for her daughter and she's actually doing whats "worst" for her.
I respect that Zachs step mom isn't his Mom but that she does a lot for him. I would never tell her not to discipline Zach even if I didn't agree with the punishment. Its not my house and that's one of the things I've had to get over personally. I would hope Zoeys mother can come to same grounds with me because I deserve that respect from her and its difficult to expect respect from Zoey when her mother, an adult, refuses to show me that. I am going to be around for a long time, and its very comical that its this way after almost 4 years. and with that........ this made me laugh.
Cheers to next 4 years!
My husband has enabled her for a lot of years. She is the woman that always gets what she wants. And if something is of a slight discomfort to her she will not do it. Meaning....Jobs, paying for things for Zoey, driving Zoey to her Dad, Insuring Zoey, Paying for Zoeys lunch money, Paying for her summer camp, finding a babysitter when she didn't pay for summer camp, meeting Joel HALFWAY to trade off Zoey, paying Dr Co pays for Zoey, Paying Dr Bills for Zoey. OK basically anything that has to do with her DAUGHTER is Joels responsibility. Now that that's clear. She is overly obsessed with Zoey. She has now written me 2 separate emails 2 whole years apart bitching me out for not "caring" about Zoey. THE NERVE RIGHT????? After everything she WON'T do for ZOEY she bitches at me for that? I have babysat last minute, picked her up from Layton and other places random when she cannot. Paid for Summer camp for her, I have bought her clothes, I insure her at my job, And Joel pays her nearly half a paycheck a month to her and is being garnished for unpaid medical bills because she filed bankruptcy. We also pay for recreational activities when the kids are with us, plus buy her anything she needs while at our house. I have tried to hold Zoey to a standard of discipline and apparently those things mean I do not care. She has made it very difficult for me to Parent Zoey because she told Zoey she doesn't do anything wrong. and lets her do whatever she wants. And boy, does she....shes 9 now but I don't see her following rules at 15 if they were never set for her as a child. That is a whole other blog about blending families and problems that I never knew existed causing severe contention. But back to this...... She doesn't want me around her daughter because I am a bad influence!!!!
OK moving on from that, She has also gone as far as to insult Zach in these emails that he is a brat & so on. Um, Zach is a 7 year old BOY. He is not a Brat. He's very smart and sweet. Protective of me. But he is a boy. I'm sorry if he hurt his sisters feelings. Give me a break. Brothers and Sisters do that. And how did he hurt her feelings? He told her he didn't want to go to her Craft Birthday Party. Yes, That is why he is a Brat. Because she was crying. Pretty sure she wouldn't want to go to a Tag Football Party either. She also went as far as to say that anyone who associates with me is a bad person. OMG. I have had it up to HERE with this woman. I shouldn't have defend Zach for anything in this instance. He is a good kid. No, not perfect. Unlike her I don't see my child as perfect.
I sent her my two cents and we haven't spoken since but I wanted to take the kids swimming last week and asked Joel if she would meet me halfway so I can take them. (obviously it would make more sense if I can ask her directly....but....) She wouldn't even meet me. Her panties are that far up her ass that she doesn't even have the civility to meet me in a parking lot so Zoey can get out of the car and come swimming with us? SERIOUSLY! Girl, needs to get over herself. Ya I am irritated at her but nothing else new about that. I am pretty used to her shenanigans Ive been with Joel for 3 1/2years. Usually, I've found that people mature over the years but she is the true exception to this. I want to be civil for Zoeys sake but she makes it so Damn hard. I couldn't go to Zoeys Choir performance a few weeks ago because I think she owes me an apology and I don't know how to act. Its awkward to go and not speak to her while sitting right by her and I'm not about to act like nothing happened, because she has overstepped the line multiple times and by me acting like nothing happened is saying its OK and its NOT.
Now I know how to do this whole Step parent to my kid thing. Zachs step mom has been around for 5+ years now and although we've had some problems too, Ive never, nor would I ever, bitch at her. I have spoken with Zachs Dad a few times about her over stepping her bounds and hurting my feelings and what not so I would never cross those lines with Zoey. But Zach's step mother and I get along. I actually consider her a friend. We have taken the kids to do Pictures together so Victoria and Ben can be in the photo with Zach also. And I've also gone swimming with her and her kids and Zach & Zoey. Ive also Babysat her kids for her. I am a strong believer that this is how it should be. Its complete peace and harmony with both families for Zachary. THIS is how I would have wanted it for him. Its about HIM. Its not about ME or about his DAD. I really wish Zoey's mother would realize this and put herself aside for ONCE IN HER LIFE and stop being so selfish because she thinks she's doing whats "best" for her daughter and she's actually doing whats "worst" for her.
I respect that Zachs step mom isn't his Mom but that she does a lot for him. I would never tell her not to discipline Zach even if I didn't agree with the punishment. Its not my house and that's one of the things I've had to get over personally. I would hope Zoeys mother can come to same grounds with me because I deserve that respect from her and its difficult to expect respect from Zoey when her mother, an adult, refuses to show me that. I am going to be around for a long time, and its very comical that its this way after almost 4 years. and with that........ this made me laugh.
Cheers to next 4 years!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
My 3 Epiphines.
Firstly. Am I the only one who thinks something & then thinks I've just had an epiphany? I am going to tell you about my epiphanies. I had 3. I am on a roll!!! ;)
*Sleeping 10hrs during the DAY is equivalent to sleeping 5hrs at NIGHT.
*Being Judged is different than being held accountable.
*Cockiness & Confident. 2 very separate things.
OK #1: I just started working graves and it has been a serious adjustment. I kind of thought I could handle it, ya know, working while Zach is sleeping then having him in the day because I work 4 tens so I have 3 days off. Well HAHA on me. I don't get any sleep & while I do have him all I want to do is sleep because I am ass tired. I am aging 5yrs a week with this schedule. Working 10hr nights then sleeping 5 hrs days is making me a zombie!!!!!! I am so effing tired & really can't get any sleep. I slept 12 hours last night & starting wanting a nap 3 hours after I got up because I am that out of it. I really do like my job & appreciate the fact that I am able to work in an environment that doesn't make me want to cut my wrists. & I also recognize that its never going to be perfect with work & juggling kids. I just can never catch a break.
#2 I have been "judged" on multiple occasions & multiple circumstance. OR so I thought "judged" Idk if what has happened has really been a judgement or necessarily what I've done has been commented on. I realize the difference. I have done a lot of stupid shit & when people have asked ya know, why did you do that? or why would you do that? or even that's really stupid. I have felt judged by them. BUT I realize its not necessarily a judgement because what I have done has not been the smartest thing ever. Its merely their opinion & what they are allowed think of said thing. I am close to a lot of people & when I have gotten these responses I'm like generally like "what the hell?" "I can't talk to you." But in all seriousness they are allowed to say or think whatever they say or think. I hope I can be a good parent and not respond this way because I want my children to feel like they can come to me & not feel any kind of way. BUT I also know my children will do things that are wrong & I am also allowed to think "What the hell?" its a very fine line. I have always felt equally judged & commented by my parents. & for that I Cheers them for raising a well rounded person. (Hopefully i am. And I feel that I am.)
#3 I was always attracted to confidence but cockiness is gross & not ok. I want to raise confident children but not cocky ones. So the difference: Cocky: Overly self-assertive or self-confident. Confident: self-assured. Very bold.
OK so not that different but in social situations very different. Cocky people are thinking they are the best thing ever and Confident people KNOW they are the best thing ever. HAHA!!!!!! But they aren't douchey about it. That makes no sense and in blogland it probably sounds redic but seriously. I want my son to be the best at Math or English whatever he is best at. And the best at Baseball or Basketball that he can literally be. & know that he is. Not thinking he is the best when he really sucks & disrespecting girls & people because he thinks he is better than them. I really think building a self confidence in kids that is REAL. based on REAL accomplishments is better than telling them GOOD JOB on seriously everything they do. This is one of my pet peeves. Applaud your children or spouses or friends whoever, on real things they do well. Don't automatically say "good job" because your kid drew a picture. SO DUMB!!!! I hope Zach doesn't think I am rude but I tell him "Holy crap Mr! that doesn't look very good!" because it looks like crap & I know he can do better. I want him to be real & understand that he's not going to get false praise forever. Luckily his Dad is the same way! LOL or I would be seriously mean right now.
Anyway I would totally love to hear your epiphanies or anything else you think of mine. Because feeling like I totally came up with something is probably just a matter of opinion, which I am fine with, because it is mine :)!!!!!!!!
*Sleeping 10hrs during the DAY is equivalent to sleeping 5hrs at NIGHT.
*Being Judged is different than being held accountable.
*Cockiness & Confident. 2 very separate things.
OK #1: I just started working graves and it has been a serious adjustment. I kind of thought I could handle it, ya know, working while Zach is sleeping then having him in the day because I work 4 tens so I have 3 days off. Well HAHA on me. I don't get any sleep & while I do have him all I want to do is sleep because I am ass tired. I am aging 5yrs a week with this schedule. Working 10hr nights then sleeping 5 hrs days is making me a zombie!!!!!! I am so effing tired & really can't get any sleep. I slept 12 hours last night & starting wanting a nap 3 hours after I got up because I am that out of it. I really do like my job & appreciate the fact that I am able to work in an environment that doesn't make me want to cut my wrists. & I also recognize that its never going to be perfect with work & juggling kids. I just can never catch a break.
#2 I have been "judged" on multiple occasions & multiple circumstance. OR so I thought "judged" Idk if what has happened has really been a judgement or necessarily what I've done has been commented on. I realize the difference. I have done a lot of stupid shit & when people have asked ya know, why did you do that? or why would you do that? or even that's really stupid. I have felt judged by them. BUT I realize its not necessarily a judgement because what I have done has not been the smartest thing ever. Its merely their opinion & what they are allowed think of said thing. I am close to a lot of people & when I have gotten these responses I'm like generally like "what the hell?" "I can't talk to you." But in all seriousness they are allowed to say or think whatever they say or think. I hope I can be a good parent and not respond this way because I want my children to feel like they can come to me & not feel any kind of way. BUT I also know my children will do things that are wrong & I am also allowed to think "What the hell?" its a very fine line. I have always felt equally judged & commented by my parents. & for that I Cheers them for raising a well rounded person. (Hopefully i am. And I feel that I am.)
#3 I was always attracted to confidence but cockiness is gross & not ok. I want to raise confident children but not cocky ones. So the difference: Cocky: Overly self-assertive or self-confident. Confident: self-assured. Very bold.
OK so not that different but in social situations very different. Cocky people are thinking they are the best thing ever and Confident people KNOW they are the best thing ever. HAHA!!!!!! But they aren't douchey about it. That makes no sense and in blogland it probably sounds redic but seriously. I want my son to be the best at Math or English whatever he is best at. And the best at Baseball or Basketball that he can literally be. & know that he is. Not thinking he is the best when he really sucks & disrespecting girls & people because he thinks he is better than them. I really think building a self confidence in kids that is REAL. based on REAL accomplishments is better than telling them GOOD JOB on seriously everything they do. This is one of my pet peeves. Applaud your children or spouses or friends whoever, on real things they do well. Don't automatically say "good job" because your kid drew a picture. SO DUMB!!!! I hope Zach doesn't think I am rude but I tell him "Holy crap Mr! that doesn't look very good!" because it looks like crap & I know he can do better. I want him to be real & understand that he's not going to get false praise forever. Luckily his Dad is the same way! LOL or I would be seriously mean right now.
Anyway I would totally love to hear your epiphanies or anything else you think of mine. Because feeling like I totally came up with something is probably just a matter of opinion, which I am fine with, because it is mine :)!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 4, 2013
My Mascara Testimony!
SO not to be WEIRD or anything. BUT , THIS MASCARA IS THE CATS PAJAMAS!!!!!
It is my favorite.Ive used this since I was a Jr in HS. Which lets recap on that....12 1/2Yrs. Sure, Ive tried other Mascaras. And recently my Mom gave me 3 different Avon brand Mascaras in my stocking. I thought 'what the hell ill try them' Well, What the hell is right. I HATED all the other kinds. 3 of my Friends have also changed to this Mascara after using it. I'm serious right now. I am a poster child for this mascara. The pic is Waterproof but don't do that. It is the normal kind!! I just went on a tangent to my poor husband about this mascara & he didn't say ONE thing. Hmmmm...??? GO figure! hahahaha!!! So I told him "Fine, Im going to blog about this" I think he needs a beer because of ME!!! :) Here is why I like it:
*It doesn't make my eyelashes stiff. when they get stiff like that you can scratch your eye & eyelashes fall out. No bueno.
*It washes off easily with Dove soap. My husband likes Dial & I secretly want to punch him for that. But it even washes off with Dial.
*Its Only $6. I'm not sure why some Mascara is more & then doesn't even work that well.
*I use 2 coats & it looks like I spent a ton of time.
*I curl my eyelashes with my first coat ON & it doesn't clump together or stick to my curler....making a nasty gummed up mess. OR PULL OUT MY EYELASHES!
I encourage all of you to try it & if you don't like it, you can dress my cat in real pajamas, or punch me in the face! ;)
Sunday, December 30, 2012
2012
In March we went to California with the kiddos. It was a blast but Next Vacation, we are leaving them home.
He played Baseball, Soccer & Basketball in 2012. He did very well at all 3.
I started a new job working at the U Hospital, and love it so far!!! Im about to switch to Graveyards so we will see how that will go!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Where am I?
I'm going to write about something that's very dear to my heart. I want to write because usually getting it out makes me feel better. I'm hoping I wont have people judging my negatively because of anything that is said in this because quite frankly I have enough negativity that surrounds me on a daily basis & a positive attitude will only go "so FAR".........Ok, that being said.......
I hate how my own son, my own flesh & blood draws pictures of his family for school assignments and its NEVER ME. Its always HIS DADDY his OTHER MOM, HIS LITTLE SISTER & LITTLE BROTHER. Now I get that they are more a "family" to him than I am. They are the ones who sign him up for his sporting events, take him to and from school & enforce discipline. I really think he believes in his little brain that coming to my house is like a "vacation" almost from all the crap he has to do over there. Well here's the thing. I CAN'T take him to and from school because of work (whereas I am grateful that I have people that care about him, that can. It doesn't make it any easier on ME) I don't sign him up for sporting events because I get very minimal Child Support & I cannot afford it. (I'm GRATEFUL his DAD pays for this.........but.......its not ME) I don't go to Church anyways so I don't enforce those rules and guidelines on HIM.........& as far as chores go & homework......Yes I am alot more lax than they are. Which is fine. He does chores on Saturdays not EVERYDAY while here & he does his homework at night not RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. I feel I do the same things as they do just differently but it comes off to him as less. I really deserve the MOM spot in my child's life. I'm sick to death of him calling his step mom "MOM" and her actually thinking she is his MOM. Because there has been no line there, he doesn't understand why I am constantly saddened by his pictures. IF he does draw me he doesn't include Joel because to him "Joel isn't his Dad" well then why is "Trisha his Mom?"
Now Zach isn't stupid. Hes actually very smart. Which is another reason this hurts me so much because he KNOWS I am his MOTHER. and still doesn't INCLUDE ME. I really hope I am not being petty about this because I realize I am the reason he is in this situation in the first place and It requires alot of Understanding on every ones part. I get it.
The pain goes even deeper when you add my step daughter because obviously I am Brooke to her. Which is fine, I am NOT her Mom and would never cross the lines Zach's step mother has crossed but its very hard for me to be her "Friend" because I am not her friend. Yet I can't really "parent her". I am lost in that whole situation, and Its probably my fault but that doesn't change how frustrating and hard it is on me personally. Anyhow, anytime she draws a picture she draws it of her DAD and MOM and sometimes Zach. I am nowhere. I mean what am I busting my ass trying to set standards and hold the kids to a form of decency when I am nobody to either of them???????
I really am beside myself at what I should do because I am doing the best I possibly can. When Zach was a baby and his early years between 1 and 5yrs old, I worked graveyards so he would never be babysat. I AM THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED and RAISED him during those years & for what? In all honesty I shoulda just had him in a daycare, he doesn't view me for what he should and I feel disrespected by both of my Kids.... Its not like I want to be put on a pedestal for being a parent because that is just stupid. But I would like to feel included.
I want more kids in my life and I partly think its because I am not being fulfilled in my life by what I already have. I'm wanting to be MOM. Ive been a Mother for almost 8 years now & I shouldn't feel like shit for what I have been through and done. But I do. Not that it would change or I would have changed anything had someone told me this when I got divorced because that was a very selfish time for me. I told myself and everyone else that Zach was fine & kids are resilient. Which both things are true- He is fine & he has been resilient but I guess what I didn't realize is that I am NOT.
I have been upset while writing this & Zach just came in and saw that I was and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He did ask what was wrong, but I am not going to put this on him. He is just a 7 yr old and I have explained multiple times that it hurts m feelings. He went to go "make me a Christmas Ornament, to make me feel better" Honestly none of this is his fault, obviously.
I just need to find my own peace with it & am not sure how or if I ever will.
Thanks for Reading.
I hate how my own son, my own flesh & blood draws pictures of his family for school assignments and its NEVER ME. Its always HIS DADDY his OTHER MOM, HIS LITTLE SISTER & LITTLE BROTHER. Now I get that they are more a "family" to him than I am. They are the ones who sign him up for his sporting events, take him to and from school & enforce discipline. I really think he believes in his little brain that coming to my house is like a "vacation" almost from all the crap he has to do over there. Well here's the thing. I CAN'T take him to and from school because of work (whereas I am grateful that I have people that care about him, that can. It doesn't make it any easier on ME) I don't sign him up for sporting events because I get very minimal Child Support & I cannot afford it. (I'm GRATEFUL his DAD pays for this.........but.......its not ME) I don't go to Church anyways so I don't enforce those rules and guidelines on HIM.........& as far as chores go & homework......Yes I am alot more lax than they are. Which is fine. He does chores on Saturdays not EVERYDAY while here & he does his homework at night not RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. I feel I do the same things as they do just differently but it comes off to him as less. I really deserve the MOM spot in my child's life. I'm sick to death of him calling his step mom "MOM" and her actually thinking she is his MOM. Because there has been no line there, he doesn't understand why I am constantly saddened by his pictures. IF he does draw me he doesn't include Joel because to him "Joel isn't his Dad" well then why is "Trisha his Mom?"
Now Zach isn't stupid. Hes actually very smart. Which is another reason this hurts me so much because he KNOWS I am his MOTHER. and still doesn't INCLUDE ME. I really hope I am not being petty about this because I realize I am the reason he is in this situation in the first place and It requires alot of Understanding on every ones part. I get it.
The pain goes even deeper when you add my step daughter because obviously I am Brooke to her. Which is fine, I am NOT her Mom and would never cross the lines Zach's step mother has crossed but its very hard for me to be her "Friend" because I am not her friend. Yet I can't really "parent her". I am lost in that whole situation, and Its probably my fault but that doesn't change how frustrating and hard it is on me personally. Anyhow, anytime she draws a picture she draws it of her DAD and MOM and sometimes Zach. I am nowhere. I mean what am I busting my ass trying to set standards and hold the kids to a form of decency when I am nobody to either of them???????
I really am beside myself at what I should do because I am doing the best I possibly can. When Zach was a baby and his early years between 1 and 5yrs old, I worked graveyards so he would never be babysat. I AM THE ONE WHO SACRIFICED and RAISED him during those years & for what? In all honesty I shoulda just had him in a daycare, he doesn't view me for what he should and I feel disrespected by both of my Kids.... Its not like I want to be put on a pedestal for being a parent because that is just stupid. But I would like to feel included.
I want more kids in my life and I partly think its because I am not being fulfilled in my life by what I already have. I'm wanting to be MOM. Ive been a Mother for almost 8 years now & I shouldn't feel like shit for what I have been through and done. But I do. Not that it would change or I would have changed anything had someone told me this when I got divorced because that was a very selfish time for me. I told myself and everyone else that Zach was fine & kids are resilient. Which both things are true- He is fine & he has been resilient but I guess what I didn't realize is that I am NOT.
I have been upset while writing this & Zach just came in and saw that I was and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. He did ask what was wrong, but I am not going to put this on him. He is just a 7 yr old and I have explained multiple times that it hurts m feelings. He went to go "make me a Christmas Ornament, to make me feel better" Honestly none of this is his fault, obviously.
I just need to find my own peace with it & am not sure how or if I ever will.
Thanks for Reading.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
boycotting Walmart.
Lets start at the beginning.
Its not really Walmart Per say, its more so their Photo Department that I have a beef with......
I got my Thank you Cards for our wedding printed there ONLINE. At first they weren't done when they said they were going to be. Then They looked like CRAP!!!!!!! I paid for them to be printed then re did them at Inkleys (who is now out of business FML) so essentially had to pay for them TWICE because the quality was so bad I didn't even want to send them out.
Last month I went there to have my moms pictures printed. I put in my order. There is a sign that says their is a glitch in the system and to check to see that they received your order. I wait for 13 minutes... I ask. For some reason she thinks the name I told her to check "Brooke Landsaw" is "Rook lansel" She didn't have an order for a Mrs Lansel. NO KIDDING! But I thought she didn't have my order........
Then I realize I want to change this order so I ask her how to do this. She says she can't change the order. Nor can she cancel it so I can resubmit it. So she wanted me to re order what I wanted changed and have 2 orders then she would just adjust the price after she wasted all that paper.Wait...what??? I was super worried Id have to pay for all of them. And when I picked them up the guy who helped me was irritated because of all the extra photos I "didn't want"........
Now my biggest annoyance with their department and the reason for this rant is this time:
The other day I went there to have my Christmas Cards printed. I waited around at the freakin store for 1 1/2 hours wandering because I wanted to NOT GO BACK. When I finally pick up my cards I am asked if I have rights for the photo I used. Obviously I do. She says it looks professional ( OK mind you.....its the same attendant that I wanted to punch in the face from the previous time) I told her Thank you. She said I cannot take the cards out of the store until I can prove that I own the rights to that photo. OK Let me get this straight.........SHE ALREADY PRINTED THEM....... I ask how I will prove it. She said I needed a signed form showing the Photographer gave the rights to me...Or the disc she gave them to me on. OK for 1) She gave them to me on a COSTCO disc...and for 2) I never got a written anything from her signing them over. It was more of a verbal thing. Plus it was a friend of a friend that did them. I filled out a form stating I had the rights & put her name on it as the photographer. Apparently I don't need her name on this form at ALL because I own the rights? So I had to fill out another form. After all this Ive been at Walmart for almost 2 hours. FML!!!! I leave & before leaving she informs me that I better not be misrepresenting because the fine for Copyright Laws is $20,000 & I will be charged that whole fee. Yes Thank you. I DIDN'T COPYRIGHT anything though!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I am up paying for the rest of my stuff I hear her paging me over the intercom to come back to the photo dept. HELL NO I'm not going back there I wanted to get the F out of the store. Then they called me on my cell phone & left a message saying that "FOR SOME REASON" all of my cards weren't in my order and 20 are still in the photo lab. WTF x's 987324987!!!!!!!!!!! So much for NOT GOING BACK. UGH. I am so irritated at Walmart and their employee.
Going to go back today!! ARGH. its taken me all weekend to prepare for it.
Its not really Walmart Per say, its more so their Photo Department that I have a beef with......
I got my Thank you Cards for our wedding printed there ONLINE. At first they weren't done when they said they were going to be. Then They looked like CRAP!!!!!!! I paid for them to be printed then re did them at Inkleys (who is now out of business FML) so essentially had to pay for them TWICE because the quality was so bad I didn't even want to send them out.
Last month I went there to have my moms pictures printed. I put in my order. There is a sign that says their is a glitch in the system and to check to see that they received your order. I wait for 13 minutes... I ask. For some reason she thinks the name I told her to check "Brooke Landsaw" is "Rook lansel" She didn't have an order for a Mrs Lansel. NO KIDDING! But I thought she didn't have my order........
Then I realize I want to change this order so I ask her how to do this. She says she can't change the order. Nor can she cancel it so I can resubmit it. So she wanted me to re order what I wanted changed and have 2 orders then she would just adjust the price after she wasted all that paper.Wait...what??? I was super worried Id have to pay for all of them. And when I picked them up the guy who helped me was irritated because of all the extra photos I "didn't want"........
Now my biggest annoyance with their department and the reason for this rant is this time:
Going to go back today!! ARGH. its taken me all weekend to prepare for it.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Thats my Boy!!!!
So I realize I am bias, not only because he is my son. But also my ONLY child. But he is seriously the BEST!!! He's so funny & witty, not to mention handsome. I went on a date tonight with him- just him and I. And I can honestly say I love hanging out with him & conversing with this boy.
He knows I work at the U sterilizing surgical equipment so he started asking questions about blood. I had a full conversation with him (my 7 yr old) about what plasma is & how it helps people and why you can donate plasma more than you can donate blood. I explained that every ones blood type is different. But that he has the same as me, and I have the same as Grandma. But Grandpa is a universal donor etc...
Zach: So if all me, you & grandma were in a car accident and needed blood Grandpa could help us.
Me: Yes! But he probably couldn't help all of us, because one person can't give that much blood at one time.
Zach: Well....Then he should help you first
Me: I don't know. Why do you say that?
Zach: Because then you can get better & take care of me. He is OK so he can take care of Grandma til he can donate more blood for her & once you are better you can donate blood to me.
I am blown away that he thought of all of this in this short convo. He is amazingly smart to put all of that together!
Earlier convo:
Me: How is that cute lil bro of yours doing? I want to hold him.
Zach: Yeah he is doing good. He's pretty nice & hes a good listener too.
(Baby Bro....less than 2 months old..........)
Me: What do you mean he's a good listener? (laughing)
Zach: Because earlier today he was hanging out on the floor on a blanket & I went over to him and said "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle..yeah" & he wiggled then I said "Giggle giggle giggle giggle...yeah" (if you are not getting this, its from the song "I'm sexy & I know it" lmao!!!!) & then he laughed too. Then he got that look on his face like he was going to start crying & I counted down from 5 and he waited til I hit 1 to cry"
Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard when he was telling me this story. I'm still laughing about baby brother "hanging out on the floor" he's 7 weeks old. That's pretty much ALL they do is "hang out".....oh my. Hilarious.
Just now:
Me: Sweets. I need to go to bed. I am tired from getting up so early everyday (5am)
Zach: Well, that's life.
Me: Yea (laughing) that doesn't make it suck any less.
Zach: No. No it doesn't. Life can really suck.
Again......Laughing. So. Hard.
Aw. his wisdom!!!! This is all from the past 5 hours. I seriously love that kid! He's awesome without trying!!!
I know he is only with me half of the time but I can't imagine my life without him anymore, I'm sure that's how all parents are. But sometimes doing things with him there I just realize how normal it is that I have a tiny human. I mean, ME. I have this great person in my life. That I created. I'm just really grateful for him & all he is & has done for me.
THAT'S MY BOY!!!!
He knows I work at the U sterilizing surgical equipment so he started asking questions about blood. I had a full conversation with him (my 7 yr old) about what plasma is & how it helps people and why you can donate plasma more than you can donate blood. I explained that every ones blood type is different. But that he has the same as me, and I have the same as Grandma. But Grandpa is a universal donor etc...
Zach: So if all me, you & grandma were in a car accident and needed blood Grandpa could help us.
Me: Yes! But he probably couldn't help all of us, because one person can't give that much blood at one time.
Zach: Well....Then he should help you first
Me: I don't know. Why do you say that?
Zach: Because then you can get better & take care of me. He is OK so he can take care of Grandma til he can donate more blood for her & once you are better you can donate blood to me.
I am blown away that he thought of all of this in this short convo. He is amazingly smart to put all of that together!
Earlier convo:
Me: How is that cute lil bro of yours doing? I want to hold him.
Zach: Yeah he is doing good. He's pretty nice & hes a good listener too.
(Baby Bro....less than 2 months old..........)
Me: What do you mean he's a good listener? (laughing)
Zach: Because earlier today he was hanging out on the floor on a blanket & I went over to him and said "Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle..yeah" & he wiggled then I said "Giggle giggle giggle giggle...yeah" (if you are not getting this, its from the song "I'm sexy & I know it" lmao!!!!) & then he laughed too. Then he got that look on his face like he was going to start crying & I counted down from 5 and he waited til I hit 1 to cry"
Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard when he was telling me this story. I'm still laughing about baby brother "hanging out on the floor" he's 7 weeks old. That's pretty much ALL they do is "hang out".....oh my. Hilarious.
Just now:
Me: Sweets. I need to go to bed. I am tired from getting up so early everyday (5am)
Zach: Well, that's life.
Me: Yea (laughing) that doesn't make it suck any less.
Zach: No. No it doesn't. Life can really suck.
Again......Laughing. So. Hard.
Aw. his wisdom!!!! This is all from the past 5 hours. I seriously love that kid! He's awesome without trying!!!
I know he is only with me half of the time but I can't imagine my life without him anymore, I'm sure that's how all parents are. But sometimes doing things with him there I just realize how normal it is that I have a tiny human. I mean, ME. I have this great person in my life. That I created. I'm just really grateful for him & all he is & has done for me.
THAT'S MY BOY!!!!
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